I don't post a lot of blogs about my eating disorder recovery, probably because I usually have had it in check. I would like to think that I still do, however, lately I've had more triggers than usual, and I'm trying to do my best to just cope with it without involving others, or making them worry about me. But...I should ask for help when I need it.
I have had quite a few stressers lately, what with moving out of my apartment after the break up, and dealing with the drama that comes with that. Living with my ex. The most recent stresser I won't discuss here, because it's a fresh realization. That one has actually DESTROYED one of my more common distractions. They don't distract anymore. It's all left me feeling very out of control, and for those of you who think EDs are about weight, or beauty, let me just regulate right quick.
I don't think I'm fat. In the throes of my original ED, I probably did, but in my recovery, I don't feel that way. Here's the messed up part: It feels GOOD not to eat. It feels like a triumph. It feels like I'm in control of SOMETHING (e.g., my body).
I get that a lot of people don't understand eating disorders, and the dysfunction therein, so I'll sort of shed light on it.
The anxiety that causes the nausea is a trigger. Then the fact that I don't eat when I'm anxious causes the eating disorder voice to be like "Well you might as well use it."
Discussions about weight loss are a trigger. A friend of mine was recently talking about her weight loss, and how she "doesn't think she's thin." We were at IHOP. I gave her my pancakes.
Clothing size conversations are a trigger, so are numbers as in "I weigh this much, I've lost this much, I ate this much today."
I remember telling people I had lost weight due to the anxiety, and getting "Good!" I knew it wasn't good, but the ED voice said "See? You should be using it." That's a trigger.
In my normal state, these triggers just annoy me slightly. When I feel out of control, my brain falls back on things that make me feel in control, and the triggers, they actually "trigger."
I remember during my last active relapse, which was about 4 years ago, a friend of mine who knew exactly how those things affected me, would call me to tell me how much weight she'd lost every week. I would tell her "that's great" and be happy for her, as I chain smoked instead of eating. She saw me acting on the ED and would get JEALOUS of all things, I've never understood that. I want to hardcore bitch-slap every stupid female that says "God I wish I could have an eating disorder." It's like saying "God, y'know, I've always wanted to be a meth addict. I'm gonna give that a little try."
I haven't had groceries at my house for weeks. I keep thinking "What's the point if I'm not going to eat?" The "anxious not eating" has crossed the line into active restriction. I'm actually getting to the point where I'd rather do just about anything but eat. But I realize I have to, so I fight it.
I'm able to eat when I'm with friends. Most of the time, because I'm more at peace. And if I'm having fun, I'm not thinking about the nonsense.
None of this is to make anyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells. It's just an update of my status at the moment. Most of the time I'm fine with that stuff. Right now, I might walk away if some of those subjects come up. Just information.
have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Last time I felt like I was teetering on the edge of relapse, which was a year ago, my therapist put me into a 3 hour a week treatment program. It was rough. I went for a month. She re-evaluated me after that and felt safe taking it down to just our regular sessions again.
I realize what I have to do. I have to find something else that makes me feel in control. Unfortunately, I have a time limit on part of it, and one of the things I'm just NOT in control of. It's a super hard feeling for me.
Clearly I'm not going to waste away, and I know that, but even that is an ED thought. Like "I'm not going to waste away, it wouldn't kill me to miss a meal." Unfortunately "a meal" becomes two, etc.
I'm having a hard time reaching out for help on this stuff, because I always have a hard time reaching out for help. Clearly I'm only half-ass handling it. I'd like to think I'm doing the best I can.
So there's that. Not as eloquent as my usual fare. Better than holding it in.
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