Psychodramatic

Whoa, two in one week, two in one...it's ok. Don't be scared. It's PROBABLY not a harbinger of the Apocalypse. Probably.


So.

I'm gonna go ahead and dedicate this one to Vicky. Since our conversation sparked it. But there are oh so many people I could say inspired it also.............

Psychodrama, n.

1. A psychotherapeutic technique in which people are assigned roles to be played spontaneously within a dramatic context devised by a therapist in order to understand the behavior of people with whom they have difficult interactions.

2. A dramatization in which this technique is employed. An event, social interaction, or narrative that manifests psychological forces or problems: "In [Pierre, Melville] abruptly reinvents himself as a domestic novelist, proposing to write a psychodrama of family intimacy" (Richard H. Brodhead)

Most people misinterpret this word. And some people associate it with Gestaltian methods of therapy. Which I hate. Gestalt therapy is horribly irresponsible. I digress.

Psychodramas, in laymans' terms, mean "you play out your familial role, and assign the people in your life the roles of your family members." In a therapeutic environment, somewhat helpful. Problem is, most people don't do it in a therapeutic environment. They just do it unconsciously within their own lives.

Got an abusive father and a passive mother? You've got two paths. Supposedly. If you're able to work out your problems with your dad with someone who reminds you of your dad/mom/cousin/brother/general family dynamic, it's fixed, right? Right?

Dating is hard, you guys. Unfortunately, given the close nature of those kinds of relationships, you get to really hardcore play out your psychodramas there. That's why a lot of people end up dating people who remind them of their family members.

I have a friend. Horribly overbearing parents. Very passive lady. REPEATEDLY dates abusive guys. I have another friend. Absent father. Overwhelmingly seeks male approval and attention, to her detriment. My aunt, for years, only had relationships with alcoholics. Guess what my grandfather was?

Myself. Emotionally distant father. Emotionally present, incredibly protective mother. Abusive brother. Hmmm. Where do I go with that? All three? Don't mind if I do.

Actually I did mind. But I did it for years. First and second guy I dated were both abusive. I was passive (Passive, me, what? Yes. I was also 15. Excuses, whatever). Third guy, emotionally distant. Fourth and first significant relationship I had was with an incredibly emotionally present OVERprotective guy who would've thrown down with a guy who looked at me the wrong way. He did sometimes. I was both baffled and incredibly grateful.

I can look back in my dating history and also see myself as others' psychodramas. Or, for instance, those guys that have that "White Knight" syndrome. The more tortured, the better, "I'll save you!" etc. Couple of those. Just as screwy.

Por ejemplo. There is an idea around, somewhere, that once you start interacting with people who don't remind you of any past nonsense, you're on your way.

Over last Christmas, my mom asked me "Does (ex boyfriend who wasn't quite my ex boyfriend yet at the time) remind you of anyone in the family?"

I thought about it. No. No he did not. Now granted, I was exactly 2 weeks from breaking up with said ex, but just because he didn't remind me of my psychodrama crap doesn't mean he's the one for me. Just could be a whole different kind of screwed up. I'm aware of that. Anyway. Her response was "Good."

Patterns are easy. We all have them. We get locked into them and we can see them in front of us (sometimes) but we may choose not to get out. Some people have destructive patterns, some people have healthy patterns, others have mediocre patterns that keep them locked into "meh."

Healthy people look at who I used to be and say "Why don't you just stop, that's gotta hurt. Stop dating guys like that, stop acting out, stop, just stop." Why don't you?

Because it's EASY. It's easy to stay detached. It's easy to seek attention from the wrong sources. It's easy to keep looking for it in the same places we've always looked for it and not find it. It's easy because it's familiar. Even if we never get it, we're used to it. And we can claim it as our own. Even while it makes us MISERABLE.

It's HARD, it's freaking difficult to break a pattern. It's a habit. 28 days, my ass. 10 years. I'm lucky, I started having to deal with it when I was 18. People that start older have more to break. But at the end, no more misery. There is peace. I can attest. I won't pretend there isn't stuff I'm still working on. There is. I run from perfection. But, for the most part, I'm happy.

People that have less dysfunctional families than mine have this problem. A lot of people have this problem. It means there is unfinished business between you and the family member about whom you are acting out your psychodrama. When I confronted my parents, when I set the boundaries with them and cut off my brother, suddenly, NONE of the people I interacted with were controlling, abusive, overprotective, or emotionally distant. They were normal people with their own problems, as everyone is, but people who reminded me of my family, gone from my life. I had been unconsciously picking people based on unfinished business for years, and when I worked out the business, I stopped picking people based on those criteria. And when I recognize those criteria in others now, I put distance between me and them, but quick.

I am under the impression that I'm not stronger than anyone I know. If I can do something, they can, etc.

I'm also under the impression that the unsaid can often be the most powerful.

You know what I'm saying?