How many times have you found yourself in an argument with someone you were romantically involved with about politics or literature or whether or not there is a God and realized that your heart rate was up as was your anxiety, and the need to "prove" your intelligence was suddenly the most important thing in the world?
We're all smart, but the need to PROVE it to someone is something I think a lot of us feel. And we go hey, I don't need to prove anything to anyone, I'm smart, whatever, and then we go get into one of these pointless arguments.
What IS that? Because I tend to date men (thus I will address my experience), the vast majority of men I have dated have made me feel this way at some time or another. My dating pool in college was largely the Poli-Sci majors, which, they're either going into politics or law, hello arguers. They were smart, that was a pull. But colleges are full of smart guys. And the guy I spent most of my time with in college thought anyone who believed in God was an idiot (and told me this often) and when someone called him a know it all, his response was "Well. I know a lot." One could say "maybe he does."
I'll spare you the details of his life now, but suffice it to say this "idiot" is doing a hell of a lot better than he is.
They've all been fairly pretentious. They know more than most, or they at least come off that way. (Sorry any of you that still read my blog, we have a saying at my job. "If it hits your belly, take a look at it.")
Jenny, why are you reflecting on all of this now when you're happily married and about to have a baby?
Precisely BECAUSE of that. I'm realizing what makes me deliriously happy with my husband is that he is nothing like anyone I've ever been with before. You know what they say about insanity. Hopefully, I broke the cycle. My husband is extremely intelligent, and he loves to argue, bless him, but he doesn't make me feel like I need to prove anything to him. I don't feel like if we get into an argument about politics (we do) that he's going to think I'm dumb if I don't "win" the argument. You should feel at peace, safe even, emotionally, physically, intellectually in your relationships. It should be ok for you to talk about just about anything with your partner without feeling attacked. If you can't, on either side, get out. Dating tip, people.
Is that because of me? Maybe. But I think it's more because he doesn't come off as a prick. He's funny, and I don't feel like its a competition. I can brush it off. And part of the reason my husband and I work is BECAUSE we disagree on certain issues and can help each other see all the sides to an argument without belittling each other.
I remember some of this coming to my attention during one of these ridiculous arguments with one of the guys I dated before I met my husband and even in the heat of the moment, thinking to myself, "My anxiety level is really high, something is very wrong here."
Arguments about your relationship, something dumb your significant other did, money, etc, those things are going to cause anxiety, but they aren't intellectual. They're emotional, so they will provoke emotion and each side wants to prove a point. Interestingly enough, so will most so called "intellectual" arguments. But we aren't allowed to bring "feelings" into the argument, or your point is invalidated, right? Consider why you are for, or against the death penalty, abortion, religion, why there is or is not a God. Very few people are coolly rational when it comes to these issues. I'm against the death penalty because, mostly, I believe that we as humans don't have the right to take another human being's life, no matter what they've done. "Vengeance is mine, thus sayeth the Lord," and all of that. I'm pro-choice because I think telling another person what to do with such an intensely personal decision is hubris. I believe in God because I have experienced God in my own life.
The first "guy" who loved to try to make me feel like an idiot in my life was my brother. He was very intelligent, but he had no empathy, as most autism spectrum kids don't. So he stepped over boundaries and stomped around on others' feelings. He went out of his way to make me feel less than. He came off as a pretentious prick. He was hyper moral, again, like most kids with his disorder. He called me a slut when I dyed my hair. He mocked my eating disorder mercilessly (which, mocking is great for body image issues let me tell you). And this is after the sexual abuse and during the physical.
That info is to draw a parallel. I have more of a reason to be triggered by men who attempt to belittle women (or those who do it without actually trying), but I also have more insight into the behavior. I can see and recognize what is happening when it happens, because of my triggers. I have watched guys belittle their girlfriends/wives and these women obviously don't like it, but they don't say "You are belittling me, and that is not ok." And if they did, who knows if the guy would actually hear her or just deny it and try to pretend like she's crazy, otherwise known as "gaslighting" after the 1944 movie "Gaslight".
Unfortunately the behavior on both sides comes from low self-esteem. One because they need to feel like the smart one, and the other because they don't stand up and say that what is happening is wrong. Maybe they're used to it, I have got to tell you I have run into so many people that behave in that way that it must seem normal. It's not.
Maybe my self-esteem is healthier now. I do put up with a hell of a lot less crap than I did in my early 20s.
It seems like a no-brainer. "Who likes to be belittled, nobody likes that." But the amount of guys I have heard complain about how women like assholes and then proceed to make some condescending comment about women in the same breath makes me go "How do you not see that you ARE part of the problem? You ARE belittling."
If you are the belittler, even if you aren't deliberately doing it, take a look. If you are the one being belittled, look at that anxiety during those arguments, take a deep breath, and walk away. You are smart, even if the particular person your jawing with now doesn't seem to think so. Someone else thinking something about you does not make it true.
Oh, and this too.
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