They don't really...Teenagers by MCR
I'm back at work. It's been really healthy for me so far. I love working with teenagers. It's such a volatile time. It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be a time of limit testing, talking back, boundary setting and just basic figuring oneself out. If you don't figure yourself out then, you end up in latent adolescence.
I've been there. I didn't figure myself out until I was almost 25 years old. I'm still figuring myself out. But it was a journey, I tried not to get stuck anywhere for too long. Being surrounded by such frenetic energy at work (and learning what kind of parent I want to be from many other areas) I am really realizing that that energy should not be stifled. Obviously it should be monitored. Boundaries should be set and stuck to. But sheltering your teenager from adventures, from loneliness, from heartbreak, from failure, is going to leave you with someone who is not equipped to deal with the world. I know seeing my child hurt because of bumping his head right now breaks my heart, I can't imagine what the first real heartbreak for him is going to feel like. Well. I can, but I don't want to.
However, having experienced enough heartbreak in my life, it has taught me that it is a necessary element of growth. When that first guy broke my heart, I learned to guard my love more closely, but not to turn it off. When I bounced checks all over the place in college, I learned to be more vigilant with money. When I had numerous conflicts with roommates, I learned how to get along with people. And when people stepped over my boundaries, I learned to set them more strongly.
I was never afraid to walk alone at night in downtown LA, mostly because I was so vigilant. I knew I didn't look like an easy mark. I've never been afraid to hand my heart over to someone I love, no matter how many times it was broken. I've never been afraid to speak my mind, because I know what happens when you don't.
I want my son to grow into a strong, intelligent, emotionally mature man. He's already got such a sweet demeanor, I don't know that the last part is going to even be an issue.
People call the kids I work with "the bad kids." I always laugh. They aren't bad kids. Some of them have had lives that would give you nightmares, and they have developed survival skills that aren't exactly legal system friendly, but you can't blame them. They're doing all they knew to do with what they were handed. And my job is to help teach them NEW survival skills that ARE legal system friendly. And far be it from anyone to pity them. They aren't pitiable. They're tough. I dare you to feel sorry for any of them.
And then others are just spoiled.
Teenagers are SUPPOSED to be manipulative, they're SUPPOSED to test your limits. That doesn't make a bad kid, it makes a normal kid. You are the electric fence, they are the Velociraptor (sorry, Jurassic Park reference). They will find the weakness in your boundaries.
They end up in my office when their parents don't stick to those boundaries. Hand your kids everything without making them work for it, you know what you get. Go back on your word with punishments, your kids learn they can get out of anything if they just talk enough. Try to be the "cool parent" your kids and their friends are going to be with me soon, or some other treatment center. It is not ok for your kids to do drugs or drink in your house. Sorry. You are setting poor boundaries.
On the other side, refuse to give them any leeway, and you damage your relationship. Your kids need to know they can talk to you. Authoritarian parenting gets you the same thing authoritarian government gets you: rebellion. Ask my dad.
There is so much energy in adolescence. They're funny, they're smart, and you will not get anything by them, don't think you're slick mom and dad. But they shouldn't scare you. Power struggles only happen when you struggle. Teach your child they have the power to control their life and make it good, and they will. Teach them that there are no boundaries, they learn there is no safety.
Not to sound cheesy, but it's emotional physics. Forces pushed back cause explosions. Forces guided into the right avenues power worlds. There is no science to raising kids, but that's the closest I've come.
On to the adventurous constant experiment that is parenthood.
Beautifully said! And so true.
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