Hostium Intra

There are not many days these days when I am not aware of my body. I am able to be myself, but I am consistently aware of how I appear from different angles, I stay away from mirrors and I hate taking pictures. I also hate food. I hate it. I have no desire to eat, and most of the time when food is placed in front of me, I feel like crying. I am far from perfect.

I was so, so triggered this weekend. I feel like an asshole, because attending a friend's wedding and being a part of a joyous occasion should not affect one that way, but it did, and there is nothing I can do about that. Like, it's super fun being the "fat" bridesmaid (or in this case, groomslady) when you're surrounded by cute skinny girls wearing a dress that was NOT created for your body type (but looks adorable on the other girls) when you aren't in recovery from an eating disorder, but when you are, it's really awful. Standing in front of a mirror for an hour while three girls five times smaller than you try to figure out how to wrap this dress (once again, not made for your body type) around your frame and the confusion that follows, the mindreading that you do, the nasty thoughts that surface ("you look fucking ridiculous, you are way to fat for this dress") while blinking back tears and trying to remain jovial because you're in one of your best friend's weddings and you need to suck it the fuck up (also running to Target to buy a dress you feel comfortable in is not an option). And then spraining your ankle while dancing down the aisle because you are not the type of girl that wears heels is a cherry on top. I wanted to disappear. The falling wasn't the issue, I don't care about falling. I used to play roller derby, I got used to not caring if I looked stupid when I fell. It's just thinking "pretty girls wear heels and walk just fine."

Then came the pictures.  Trying to suppress the image of how you know you appear in a picture so you can smile while having the picture taken is amazingly difficult.

I'm sure the people who have never experienced an eating disorder or body image issues (who are you? WHERE are you?) think I sound like a neurotic mess and that I should just snap out of it. I probably sound nuts to you. "Just exercise, just eat healthy," you might say. I do both of those things most of the time. It is INCREDIBLY hard to attempt to lose weight "for your health" when you are doing battle every day with the thoughts that say you're worthless because you're fat. "Just don't eat, you don't need to, you don't even want to." It's true. I don't. I have no desire to eat. I just forced myself to eat an apple and I want to cry.

Honestly the last thing I want is worry or pity. I just had to get it out.

For anyone who has ever taken their ability to eat normally without thinking about it for granted, realize you're lucky. I have always insisted that EDs are like addictions. I tell my kids everyday "You can't be around drugs, you will relapse. You have to change your friends if they use." In my case, though, how can I not be around food? Where do I find people that don't eat?

The good news is, I have no time for bullshit. I have too much going on inside my head to give a shit about most things that don't really matter. And yes I can laugh about most things, I am just fighting another battle in the war. I feel like I'm on the verge of a relapse, but I know how to make that stop. I don't want to, but I do it anyway because I can't go back.

That was all really hard to write. It's going to be even harder to share.