Therapy

I'm angry. I guess the past few years is catching up to me. The year before I met my husband is a blur, I was drunk pretty much all the time, or starving myself. I was a ghost, lost. I had a reason. Slowly several devastating realizations were dawning on me, and the people who were around me were either there for me or they weren't. Or they were there and then they dropped me in the middle. Then I got pregnant, and my life changed in an instant. No more drinking, no more smoking, no more stupidity. No more putting up with half ass friendships. I was so terrified and lonely during my pregnancy and directly after that I didn't know which way was up. I had post-partum depression, something feirce. Paranoia, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, the whole bit. During that time, there were "friends" and there were friends. I had stopped partying. I had stopped hanging out with those that did. The ones that still come see me when I'm not drunk and "full of surprises" deserve a thank you, even thought I think I'm much more delightful now. Instead of lashing out at the people who "did me wrong," I will use my anger to praise my friends, my loves, those that never wavered. I love you guys and I hope this embarrasses the shit out of you.

Mom: I don't even know where to start. You were there in my "demon days." You've forgiven me things I wouldn't forgive others for. You were there when I reached out and probably worried sick when I didn't. You were there when I was sobbing on the 3rd day post-partum and you told me it was all normal and it would pass. It did. I'm so glad I stuck it out because there were times I thought about walking into traffic.

Leslie: Everything up there, and you too, have been through hell the past few years. You're tougher than you give yourself credit for and you're the best stepmom ever. I know because I have two. I love you.

Matt: You probably don't remember this but you crawled into my hospital bed on that 3rd day postpartum and told me you were so glad you married me while I was sobbing out of sheer terror. I remember it. That's what made me stay when things got wiggy. I wish all my friends a man as steadfast as you. I love you more than my luggage, Panda.

Becky: Took us a while to understand each other, but you have helped me adjust more than you will ever realize. I am proud to be a part of your family. I love you.

Laura: Again, where to start. We've gone months and years and however long without speaking to each other and then just picked up where we left off like no time had passed. We've known each other through our darkest hours. I love you so much, I just can't even right now. We both know what the monster of depression is, what it can do to you, and the redemption that comes from beating it. And look, we're both well adjusted human beings now. Who would have thought?

Scott: You're still my brother from another mother. So many talks outside of Sardo's and come to Jesuses and parties and dragging home drunk compatriots and breaking up fights/cleaning up puke at seemingly innocuous parties. You and I had the ability to sober up instantly and give each other the "what fresh hell is this" look before donning our superhero capes and salvaging the wreakage. You come to the "boring family deals" (because that's what family does) and make time for us whenever we're nearby. I'll do the same for you and Carly. I love you, buddy.

Robbyn: My warrior mama friend. I have more fun just sitting at your house talking than I ever did at any LA party, I mean that. I don't know how you do it, but I just look forward to seeing your face and your house and your little ones. You were able to see the mess I was when I walked into that group and say "we gotta help this one." You picked me up and dusted me off and shoved me on my way, lovingly. You are a part of my tribe now. I love you so much. And speaking of my tribe...

Katie: You've got more strength than you give yourself credit for. You're kind and giving and unassuming and you would rather lift everyone up than see anyone fall. You are the perspective when I rant whether I want it or not, but I need it. I love you.

Claudia: Thanks for swimming in my pool. No really. You are so sweet and you take so much (hopefully less now) flak for it. I always knew I could go to you when I was about to lose it. You helped me survive so many times you don't even know.

Krystle: You give me hope that there is a life after Phoenix House. You called more bullshit than I knew and for that you are my truth-teller buddy. They won't always like us, but they'll remember us, right? You have more care and concern (see what I did there?) in one little finger than most of the people I have encountered in my life. Keep fighting the good fight.

Leilani: You are tough as nails and loyal to the end. I am so glad we moved in here (or you moved in here or whoever moved here first, I can't remember) because you are really a beacon of light in the world of single mothers. You love your child fiercely and everything you do is for her. Don't worry about the bad guys. We got some news for them...

Cagey: You know what you did. I can't ever thank you enough for it.

My sisters-

Heather: I'm more proud of you than you will probably ever know, you're a tough cookie. You got your morals dead on and you won't take any shit for it. I love you, and I'm lucky I married your brother.

Jackie: You did something I couldn't do. You got and stayed sober around some of the same people. I had to get pregnant, move to a different city and change my entire life to curtail my drinking. And you work 100 feet from a bar. You are so strong and amazing and I just hope you realize that. You're better than that asshole and you know to which asshole I am referring. It is hard to watch someone go through some of the same things I did and know the ending and not intervene, but you are a role model to me, I bet you didn't know that. I love you.

Michelle: I understand more than you will ever know (because I don't want to talk about it, haha). I'm so excited for you and I love you and I am so relieved to see you so happy. You took the reins on your own life and made it what you want. You are a soldier, mama. I said I love you already, but I love you.

I have so much more to say, but the unsaid is sometimes more powerful innit? You people better be crying, because I am. I wish there was a word bigger than love.

I am grateful.