Affirmations

I'm a big proponent of using positive affirmations to get through the tough times. All for it. In my work, I have encouraged clients to use them so many times, I've lost count. I think they work if you say them enough so that you get to believe them.


However, the "positive affirmations" are not always what everyone would consider positive. Sometimes they sound downright negative.

Often times, when we are taught that we are not safe in our own homes (as I and my fellow familial sexual abuse survivors were), we begin to seek safety within. Thus the "I can take care of myself, I don't need you," affirmation is born. Some people might consider that to be something unhealthy, but that one has kept me safe numerous times. Yes, one should rely on others at times, but these others have to be trustworthy or the safety is violated again. Thus, the "Trust no one" mantra is born. That one, for me, was almost inherent, unconsious. I don't think "Trust no one," I just don't trust anyone. Not really, not in the way that others do. You may trust someone to keep a secret, or not to steal from you, but to keep you safe, when in your development, that didn't happen? No. I work on that one daily. I have to be able to let go and trust that it will be ok, but that is a Herculean task at times.

Feeling protected is something I feel like a lot of people are used to in their lives, and even OVER protected, to where they want to wriggle out from under something that feels like tyranny. I don't know what that's like. I never felt protected. I still don't. I don't care whose with me, I am ready to fight at all times. So "Protect yourself, because no one else will" is born, but for me that one's almost a religion. I carry my keys like a knife on the street. I don't accept drinks from strangers. I do not allow strangers into my house. I have, but once, gone home with a stranger, and I learned my lesson. I don't believe in luck. My walls are thick.

"I've beat bigger shit than you," sounds pretty demeaning to whomever it's aimed at, no? Not when you consider the history. Sexual trauma, anorexia/bulimia, depression, paralyzing anxiety, severe and destructive behavior, etc. I attach names to the end of that one, as in "I've beat bigger shit than you, [insert jackass/obstacle's name here]. I can remember the name of the individual that bore that affirmation in me. He was a confused, narcissitic little boy stuck in a man's body, and he gave me a powerful affirmation that I now use whenever I feel overwhelmed. So, thank you. Asshole. It almost makes me want to let you slide. Almost.

In the early years of my anxiety, I would often try to manhandle things to make them into some sort of control that I didn't really have. So "Keep your hands off it," was born. It really does help to think of control issues as something you want to touch, but should not. That one I still have to repeat. Often.

One that I have had to learn recently is "Let yourself be loved." I'm not a new ager, and I think that touchy feely crap is just that. I'm a tough love-er. But those words are very concrete with me. I have difficulty allowing others to take care of me, to have my best interest at heart. I am well aquainted with selfishness. Selflessness, I don't see very often.

There are negative ones, that attempt to keep me stuck, like "They don't care about you," "You're inherently wrong," or "You will always do bad things." It's the negative one's that remind me I have a choice in my life's direction. Magical thinking, or assigning meaning to things when there is none often keep people from taking responsibility for their actions.

Mostly I take the affirmations, whether positive or negative and use them to my advantage, because I test them. Testing the "Trust no one," reminds me to keep my private soul safe, but also, allows me to let others in when I accept that trusting in and of itself is a crapshoot. You may get hurt. You may get loved. It all depends.

I remember a very specific circumstance recently, when my trust was violated, and I was horribly hurt. I cried, I was at a public function, it was embarrassing, etc. But just as my trust was violated, it was also validated by friends who (figuratively) scooped me up from my breakdown, and sat with me through the pain. It was a very gentle, but obvious reminder that I can trust a select few.

Thoughts are incredibly powerful, and they control us if we let them. For survivors of sexual trauma, we are handed a plate by our attackers, full of bullshit and truth (that we are not be ready for) mixed together, and the subsequent coping or lack thereof. The healing is the sifting through to find what is useful, and what is to be discarded.