The Dark Side

Recently, I found myself to be the downer at a party. This came as somewhat of a surprise to me, seeing as I'm usually in a pretty good mood in general, especially at parties. Unless the situation calls for me to be the listener, in which case, I'm pretty good at that too. I'm fun. I'm funny. I can be a social butterfly at times.

But in this particular discussion, my comment which was completely relevant to the subject, commented on the darker side of things, and the parties present were not, shall we say, "down" for that sort of subject matter.

I, most of the time, dwell in the light. But that is only due to the fact that I have had to bring the dark parts of my life into the light, as a way of taking responsibility for what is mine, and for what is not mine, giving responsibility to the appropriate people. It may also be because, due to my life, it does take a lot for me to consider something "dark" like others would, as opposed to just "life" as I also subscribe to the mantra "shit happens." You can either let it destroy you, or get over it. I choose the latter.

I realize sexual and physical abuse, molestation, rape, domestic violence and the consequences and destruction caused by these things are considered by most (and usually myself also) to be "dark" subject matter. I also consider them to be, unfortunately, fairly common in this world. Having experienced all of them (being as the physical/sexual abuse was in my home, and therefore, domestic), I can tell you, yes, they are dark, they make you dark until you choose to bring them into your light, in a way that heals you.

There are people who see me now, who knew me when I was living in the dark, who tell me now "I can't believe it's you," or when I tell people who know me now of what I've been through, they have a hard time putting the two people together, dark me, and light me. They meet in the middle now. I'm equal parts both as are most somewhat balanced people.

I work in a field that most people would consider dark, would prefer to pretend does not exist, or would perhaps like to pretend does not affect them. They ignore the homeless man/woman talking to themselves on the street; I work and interact with that person every day. They talk about "dangerous schizophrenics" that should be "locked up," and "tied down" as if they know what they're talking about; I see very passive, frightened individuals, who can be frustrating and upsetting at times, but tell me what normal human being isn't.

I work in this field because 1) it fascinates me, 2) I feel like I'm making a difference in the world, and 3) I identify with these people on some level. I am not schizophrenic, but I have had delusions before, as do we all on some level. I am not bipolar, but I have had mood swings aplenty, again, as do we all.

However, what I have experienced, Post-Traumatic Stress, and Panic Disorder, are stress based disorders, and treatable, where as sometimes, my clients' are not. I have clients who you can throw all the pills in the world at, but it has no effect.

What people don't realize when they talk about "the mentally ill" is, they're talking about me at certain times in my life. As much as my symptoms may ebb and flow, and are largely absent at the moment, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental illness, as is Panic Disorder. I have said before that I think the line between mental and physical illness is less real than we would like to believe, given that the brain is in charge of the physical body, therefore, a problem with the brain is a problem with the body.

The point being, they consider mental illness and sexual trauma to be "dark" and "ooh, lets don't talk about that." Unfortunately, the only way to stop these things are to talk about them, to raise awareness, and to suck it up and listen. I do not relate to the squeamishness on the subject matter. These things have been my life, therefore they are "life" to me. Life has dark and light, good and bad, up and down, and sometimes the down is really, really down. But then the up can be really up also. I, on the whole, am a very positive person. I have to be, to keep my anxiety from getting the best of me. I have to be able to fuck up, let others fuck up, and forgive both myself and them, while keeping myself safe from emotional and physical harm, as much as possible. It is how I have healed, and will continue to heal.

I will continue to shed light on physical/sexual abuse/trauma when necessary, and I will not allow the dark side, especially mine, to remain in the dark.

To quote Sapphire, who wrote Push the novel on which the movie "Precious" is based:

"If you are going to be actively engaged in your own health and your own recovery, then you just have to put it out there."