I'm always amazed at how easily I can be triggered and what sort of things do the trick. I have to remember to be careful when talking to survivors, and even in my blog, how much a single phrase can destroy your carefully maintained equilibrium. But it can also be cathartic, as it was for me in this instance.
I have recently started watching "Saving Grace" which is a show about a self-destructive cop (which, self-destructive is an understatement) who was sexually abused as a child, and acts out by drinking, bringing home random guys from bars and doing the most dangerous things possible when it comes to her cases. But she's good at her job, and she's on the side of right. And she reminds me of myself when I was 17-23, and in the throes of the acting out because it took my mind off the chaos in my head (a little; I never brought home random guys from bars, per se, but there were some random guys, and a lot of destructive relationships, and there was way too much drinking). Grace is assigned an angel, named Earl, who is supposed to save her from herself, by reminding her of her higher purpose.
*spoiler/trigger alert*
In the episode I watched yesterday, she and her best friend Rhetta figure out that Earl wants her to make peace with something Irish, that starts with an M. Grace happens to have been molested by an Irish Catholic priest, by the name of Father Murphy. So Rhetta talks to Grace's brother (who happens to be a priest who polices pedophile priests...wow alliteration), to find out what happened to father Murphy. She finds out he's retired, and surprise surprise, got moved from church to church an awful lot during his ministering days. She takes Grace out into the middle of no where and tells her, because she knows it's not going to be pretty. Grace all these years thinks her attacker is dead, then she finds out he's not and she loses it. And rightfully so. At this point, obviously, I'm emotional, but it hasn't quite grabbed me yet, because I know that raw emotion, and I've felt it many times...I've kicked and thrown things and screamed...I get it. It didn't surprise me. So after the storm passes, Rhetta sits down next to Grace and tells her "You've never talked about this and you've got to." So Grace proceeds to tell her, and she starts with, "He'd sit by me at the dinner table when my family had him over. And he put his hands between my legs. It felt good. Bad good, but good. And he told me God made me tingle like that so that I would know it was ok." And Rhetta shakes her head and says "Bastard."
That's when I lost it. I think one of the most confusing things about being sexually abused as a child, is that one point. It can feel physically good, while mentally, it destroys you. It invades your sex life for years and years with the constant questioning. You can hear "Your body responds sometimes whether your mind wants to or not," over and over again, but it literally creates a physical mind body confusion. The synapses fire whether your into it or not, so you wonder when your actually with a loving sexual partner, "Is this bad good, or good good?" And when you aren't with a loving sexual partner, the familiarity with which you can engage is destructive, because you always know why, and you always know it's unhealthy.
I think my emotional response, which was uncontrollable floods of tears to the point that I could barely speak, was two fold. Hearing another person say "It felt good physically, and it was STILL WRONG, because you were a child, and he should be punished for doing it," was extremely validating for me, and therefore they were partially tears of relief, because I think a lot of shame for survivors of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) is that physical feeling. And the shame lived on for years because of the traffic jam between my body and my mind that always needed to know, good good, or bad good? I have since made peace with myself for the most part, and there is mostly righteous anger these days, and very little, if any shame, but I remember. I don't think I'll every be able to forget.
The second part of the response was connection, and the detail with which Grace spoke in the show (I choose not to go into any more of it, lest it trigger someone else), was overwhelming for me, and I was unprepared for it. A co-worker asked me if I was ok today, because I seemed off yesterday, and it seems like my Sunday spilled into my Monday, because I was incredibly exhausted after my catharsis...
A lot of times I'm afraid to cry about that part of my past, because of the wound it opens, it almost feels like it is actually tearing something open. But crying is/was necessary in this situation, and it took me without asking. And today I'm glad it did.
I almost want to write a letter to the show, because as much as it triggered the hell out of me, it helped me, which I do believe was the show creator's intent. I heard something I've needed to hear for years. And sometimes it's just that way, out of nowhere. I want other people to hear it too. The episode is called "Tacos, Tulips, Ducks and Spices," and it's the season 1 finale.
If you cry, let yourself. It won't last forever.
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