Myths and Numbers

I think I started this blog as a method of getting the awareness out about sexual violence, because I feel like it's something that isn't talked about nearly enough, and that perhaps if it were, maybe, just maybe the violence would decrease slightly. And even if it didn't, at least maybe there would be less of the shame and self-blame and the "I should've known/seen/stopped him/screamed/fought/etc" that every last one of us has (I realize I haven't met every survivor of sexual trauma in the world, but after reading about and interacting with hundreds, it's become fairly obvious that it's the most common occurance). And maybe some of the oh so many misconceptions about sexual violence in this world would be undone. Some of them may seem archaic, but even the most enlightened people give into them. So, perhaps from my experience, and the experience of the women I love who are survivors as well, I can debunk some of them. These are the one's I have found to be most prevalent in my experiences.
The Myth that Women often make false reports of rape.
Only two percent of reported rape and related sex offences are false (which is approximately the same rate of false reports for other crimes). Although many cases are dropped because of insufficient evidence for conviction (due to other myths or politics), this should not be confused with false reporting.
The Myth of Physical Violence:
Very often, if a woman is not bruised/cut/hurt physically in a visible way, the assumption is made that it isn't sexual assault. After all, if it happened to you, you'd claw and fight and bite and do whatever you had to to get the fucker off of you? Right? That is the very statement every woman tells herself, until it happens to her. Everyone talks about fight or flight. What they don't talk about is the third "F," which is "Freeze." Back in the Caveman day, if something dangerous came at you, you could run, you could fight it (depending on your chances of survival), or you could "play dead" (freeze), thus increasing your chances of survival, as the thing might leave you alone if it doesn't like it's meat cold (that's a gross idea, but you get the picture). Very often, once the brain realizes what is happening to it it "checks out" so to speak (the clinical term is "dissociation," it's why so often trauma victims recall "being outside of my body watching myself"), and if there is emotional coersion or threats of physical violence, the idea is "play dead, it'll go away." Unfortunately, "freeze" just like "fight or flight," is an automatic response. Your brain does it without your permission. The freeze response is especially common in survivors of childhood sexual trauma, such as myself, as it was my response. So. If a woman tells you she was sexually assaulted, please, please, for the sake of her sanity, don't say "Well, did he beat you up?" Yes, that's an actual anecdote, although not mine. It only serves to increase her self blame for an event that is unequivocally, absolutely not. her. fault. Since rape is life-threatening and each rapist has his own pattern, the best thing a victim can do is follow her instincts and observe any cues from the rapist. If the victim escapes alive she has done the right thing.
The Myth that Date/Marriage Rape isn't Rape at all.
Oh but it is. This one goes along the lines of "a husband can't rape his wife" because the idea is "if she consents to date/marry me, I get carte blanche to have her whenever I want." Not so. And most of you enlightened people would agree with me I realize. But I have met some people I considered pretty damn smart who don't "believe in date rape." Holy. Shit. I know. I don't seek to vilify these people, only to inform them. Any time a person has sexual relations of any type with another person against their will, whether she's passed out, awake, fighting, not fighting, simply saying no repeatedly, or frozen, it. is. rape. No matter their relationships status. Although the courts will make it INCREDIBLY difficult for the attacker to be prosecuted because they will use the survivor's relationships status and history against her. And considering sex offenders have the highest rate of reoffending of ANY OTHER CRIME, chances are, the offender has raped before without the partners knowlege. (Or with, my attacker's wife knows what he did, and married him anyway).
The Myth of Drunkenness as Consent
This one has always baffled me, because the cache response is "Well, why did you get drunk with him if you didn't want to sleep with him." That implies a) that you have to be drunk to have sex with someone (which is...baffling), and b) that if you happen to be drunk with a male, no matter his relationship to you, you want to do him. I have had drinks/been drunk with many a male, and only one tried to rape me. And would have if his roommate (the one I was actually on a date with) hadn't pulled him off of me. So you see, gentle reader, had he raped me, that would have been used against me in court, EVEN THOUGH I wasn't even on a date with that guy, he was in fact, trying to rape his roommate's date (which is just wrong on so many levels, I just can't...) I was drunk. Therefore I wanted it. No. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that had I tried to prosecute my childhood attacker, they at least couldn't use that one on me then. I wasn't drinking at 8. Heh.
{This data, and other statistical data in this blog, is taken from the University of Minnesota at Duluth research statistics: No other crime victim is looked upon with the degree of suspicion and doubt as a victim of rape. Although there are numerous reasons why society has cast blame on the victims of rape, a major reason found in studies is that of a feeling of self protection. If one believes that the victim was responsible because she put herself in an unsafe position, such as being out late at night, drinking alcohol, dressing in a certain way, or "leading on" the rapist, then we are able to feel safer because "we wouldn't do those things." But, the basic fact remains that without consent, no means no, no matter what the situation or circumstances.}
The myth that Familial Sexual Abuse is rare.
Given my experience, I would debunk this myth based on my family history, because I was abused by a relative, as was another of my family members. Family members have easier access to their prospective victims, and can more easily groom their victims due to the fact that they are in a position of trust. Sexual abuse by a family member is common and happens in every community. An estimated 77% of reported sexual abusers are parents (57% of the total being natural parents), 16% are other relatives, and 6% are non-related. In addition, males are reported to be the abusers in 60 to 95% of cases. (Thoringer, School Psychology Review, 17 (4):614-636). Children are usually assaulted by acquaintances; a family member or other caretaking adult. Children are usually coerced into sexual activity by their assailant, and are manipulated into silence by the assailant's threats and/or promises, as well as their own feelings of guilt.
The Myth of a Promiscuous History as Consent
Oh, you thought we were past this one didn't you? Most of us are. But the court systems aren't. Granted now, quite a few states have Rape Shield Laws (http://www.naesv.org/Resources/Articles/UnderstandingRapeShieldLaws.pdf ), they still have loopholes. Many, many people have promiscuity in their past/present/future (including lots and lots of men, hello double standard). This does not (DOES NOT) mean that they say yes EVERY TIME. It means they say yes when they want to, and no when they don't want to. This is why I feel like words like "Slut" and "Whore" should really be removed from our national vocabulary (yeah, yeah, free speech blah blah, it's the same reason you can't say racial slurs on the radio, because they are HURTFUL). They label women who might just being enjoying sex (you're welcome, guys, if we didn't exist you'd be sorry, now wouldn't you?) and creates a misogynistic climate that allows rape and sexual assault to go unpunished, due to the lawyers that still want to ask a victim "How many sexual partners have you had?" As if that matters. You say no, he doesn't stop, rape, no question of how many times you said yes before should matter.

The Myth that PTSD is a transient event, and most victims return to normal functioning within a year.
I can tell you from my own experience, it took me 10 years to even understand what I was experiencing, and another 3 to actually get help for it. That's 10 years of negative coping skills, screwy mental sexual development (due to the fact that the assault happened before puberty), silence, and shame. Granted, the sexual trauma I experienced happened when I was a child, thus causing great confusion, but sexual assault at any age is a massive throw to your development. Some days I "function normally" some days I don't. And the survivors in my life are similar. It takes years.
Surviving a sexual trauma can lead a woman to a better understanding of her own strength, but sexual assault is a life changing experience. Rape has a devastating effect on the mental health of victims, with nearly one-third (31%) of all rape victims developing Sexual Assault Related Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (SAR-PTSD) some time in their lifetimes. More than one in ten rape victims currently suffer from PTSD. (National Victim Center and Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center)

So, speaking of PTSD, I thougth it was important also to list the layman's explanation of the disease, because over the years, it has been extremely difficult for me to explain my symptoms and feelings to romantic partners. Usually their interaction with me would leave them confused, and me hurt, misunderstood and invalidated. Currently I'm having less of a problem with that, but even when they understand, it's sometimes difficulty for them to come at it from your POV. So, instead of listing the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) criteria, this was taken from www.lavenderpower.org. It seems to be much easier to understand, and is written as from a survivor to a non-survivor/partner of a survivor. Keep in mind that PTSD is episodic (meaning it comes in waves, with an ebb and flow).

What is PTSD?
It is a specific alteration in brain function due to experiencing something real, shocking, and profoundly disturbing. Because of inherited and acquired predispositions, some will and some will not develop PTSD after very similar traumatic events. But once the circuits in the brain are affected by the PTSD pattern, a survivor has the following three problems:
Uncontrollable, Intrusive Memory
Our memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into our awareness, when it isn't wanted or welcome. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic thought and she may feel entirely out of conscious control. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares, and the nightmare may have images that were never seen before, but resemble old demons from childhood.
Emotional Anesthesia
A survivor with PTSD feels like a shadow of their former self. I call this emotional anesthesia. Some tell me they have no feeling. They are distant and detached. They wish they had more zest for life and they know they disappoint those who want them to be interactive and lively. But the genuine desire to socialize just isn't there. Your partner may or may not be depressed. Being depressed is feeling helpless, hopeless and worthless, and having no energy for the activities one feels she was put on earth to do. PTSD is not quite the same as depression, but may bring on an episode of depression.
Anxiety
Finally, PTSD makes a survivor anxious. Anxiety affects each of us differently. The usual pattern includes irritability, impaired concentration, sleep disturbance, being ?jumpy? (easily startled), and worried about threats and threatening individuals. This last element of PTSD pattern anxiety is called ?hypervigilance.? It isn't paranoia, but it may seem similar. They have too much adrenalin and it makes them less efficient, less effective, less able to control their behavior. They aren't sleeping restfully. They cannot concentrate fully.


Hopefully this information can be helpful to everyone, whether they have a survivor of sexual assault in their lives or not. I think most might find though, that due to the silent nature of the crime, they do have a survivor in their midst, whether they know it or not.