The light's too bright but the dark is too dark, and sometimes there isn't a happy medium when the laughter of children sounds like a sonic boom and I jump even when I see you coming. My skin is like paper and the air feels like crawling insects.
That's the best description I could write of the approach of one of the symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, http://www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm), known as hypervigilance. I'm fairly aquainted with the beast, to use a term loosley, I'd say I've never known something so well that I've hated, yet accepted as a part of my experience of the world My background in psychology and my related trauma leads me to the opintion that Panic Disorder and PTSD should not be mutually exclusive disorders, as panic is very often a symptom of PTSD.
On an evolutionary level, both PTSD and panic attacks have value. As "they" say PTSD is "a normal response to abnormal circumstances." Since my trauma was repeated and began at a very young age, there are some psychologists who believe it has permanently altered my brain chemistry. I don't hold this belief and instead, I feel that trauma without the firm grip of a set form of coping skills leads to maladaptive (read: Destructive) behavior patterns and usually the develpment of negative coping skills both of which I have experienced in my younger life in the form of eating disorders, self-harm, and other forms acting out. I feel as though, with the therapy I have undergone, these are largely in check, though I still have setbacks. I'm closer to well than sick, but recovery is still the ever present zig zag line. Back to the evolution though.
Evolutionarily speaking, something bad happens, causes trauma, and to cope the brain uses one of many methods, some being dissociation ("It was like it was happening to someone else"), rationalization ("It's ok, it wasn't that bad), self-blame ("I should have stopped it/done something") or denial ("it didn't happen") to name a few. The worst is usually repression ("I don't remember it happening"), because the body remembers whether the mind does or not. The purpose of these reactions is simple: survival. The mind will not tolerate what it does not percieve as survivable.
PTSD is the protection method the "don't let it happen again" that creates it's very own electric fence around your world. The nightmares and flashbacks to remind you to look at what happened and remember, the avoidance to keep you from the area/reminders of your trauma (lest it happen again, remember to your brain it doesn't matter if that smell is a million miles from the actual location of the trauma, it only percieves a memory of danger), and the emotional numbing to avoid future nervous exaustion. The hypervigilance keeps you constantly aware of your surroundings. It's a massive squadron of bodyguards, your very own extrasensory army, with your safety as it's prime directive. Unfortunately your mind's idea of safety will keep you locked away if allowed to run rampant (agoraphobia), and this is the darkside of the largely appropriate disorder.
Panic disorder comes along when the body is in the constant state of activation, whether realized or subconscioius. My attacks have had quite the progression over the years. At onset, I remember catapulting myself, drenched in sweat and gasping for air out of a fitful sleep and into the bathroom due to overwhelming nausea that I took at face value: I'm gonna throw up. But soon realizing as my heartrate climbed and my breathing became labored, that this was something completely different. I thought there was something wrong with my heart. After the diagnosis of panic disorder I wasn't given methods for dealing with the panic, only medication. Soon the attacks came to embody all of the symptoms listed in the DSM (http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/diagnosis/a/DSMDiagnosis.htm). After quite a bit of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm), as I gained more information, they have taken an interesting turn.
Real panic, as in "I'm being attacked" panic most likely feels the same to you as it does to me. It's activation, elevated heartrate/blood pressure, etc, followed by exhaustion, weakness, shakiness, and hypervigilance (e.g., that "looking over your shoulder constantly" feeling). The difference between panic and panic disorder, is that my body panics when it shouldn't. After years of therapy, my body knows that it should not be panicking because in most situations there is no immediate danger. So it has an interesting progression. It starts with general discomfort, dizziness, tightness in my throat, and weakness, which I take as my brain trying to shut the panic valve while at the same time sending the message "Something's wrong,get out!" That's just my view, but you know what they say about perception. If I recognize this as a panic attack, I'll take my mediation and get away from the crowd (or if I'm alone, I'll turn off every stimulus (t.v., radio, phone) in my apartment. Sometimes I recognize it, sometimes I don't. If I don't, it will progress to a feeling I can only desribe as "rushing and swelling." My mind starts to race and I'm looking for exits. My hear pounds, not necessarily fast, but hard, and my palms will sweat, my eyes will hurt, and I won't feel the nausea so much as sense it in my brain (which by the way, is where nausea comes from, the medulla). Sometimes before the set in of the full attack, I'll have a very disturbing symptom, which is part of the weakness: My tongue will fell like it's stuck teo the bottom of my mouth, like I can't talk or cry for help. It's psychological, all of it, but jesus, does it feel physical.
Which brings me to the point of the line between physical and mental illness. I don't believe there is one. The brain is in control of the entire body, therefore if therer is an illnes of the mind, there is an illness of the body as well. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and until they put them together in the Diagnosic Manual, I have Panic Disorder as well. When I have an episode of either, my mind tells my body to react a certain way, and my body follows the direction. They are both considered mental illness, but they are experienced bodily. I have behavioral symptoms that come from the initial trauma and the maladaptive coping skills, which can be considered mental learned behaviors, but the symptoms of the actual diseases are felt on the physical plane. Often times "it's all in your head" is completely true and utterly false simultaneously.
I feel as though these illnesses are often times not given the credit they deserve given the damage they do. I often cannot experience the amount of stimulus that has become normal for our world without becoming overstimulated. I often times "check out" in social situations when I become overwhelmed (meaning I will sit quietly for a few minutes to gather myself, or I will leave the room for a few moments. It has caused me to leave the situations altogether sometimes, but I try to avoid that by allowing myself the time to step back and use some positive self-talk). I have come to truly believe that most of the world is not a threat to me, but my brain is only now getting that message, and only on most days, not all. I have encountered gross insensitivity and ignorance from some people, and great understanding from others. I hope that this can be somewhat informative of one person's experience, mine, so that people will ask questions instead of judging. I am always happy to answer questions that I am comfortable discussing. I prefer people discuss instead of remaining ignorant.
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