Accidental Clearings

So, I watched a Lindsey Lohan movie. Georgia Rule. Yeah, sorry. Keep reading, I promise it gets better.


It's not something I usually do, but this one was sort of...an accident. I was going to show it to my clients as a discussion piece on dysfunctional family relationships. Mind you, I hadn't seen the movie before, but I knew it was at least about that. And I thought it was rated PG, or PG-13. My clients are adults, but we still screen what they watch because of triggers, etc. So, when there was suddenly a lot of non PG-13 sexual material in the movie I went back to the box, and saw the R rating. Oh well, I said, they're adults, if they're affected, we'll process after. Then it descended into the realm of concern, as Lindsey Lohan's character (Rachel) was molested by her stepfather, Arnold (who her mom is still married to), randomly tells a family friend (Simon), who then tells her grandmother (Georgia, Jane Fonda), who then calls her mother (Lilly, Felicity Huffman) etc. Her mother doesn't believe her at first, then she does...etc.

Guess who needed the process after?

Yeah. I mean it was funny at times especially when Rachel threatens the Morman girls in the town who have been calling her a slut and otherwise harrassing her that if they don't leave her alone she will "find each and every one of your boyfriends and fuck them stupid."

As the movie goes on, she tries to sleep with the family friend (a much older man) who she originally confessed the abuse to and tells him "I love you." He says no, he doesn't sleep with her, which I was really grateful for, as there are good men in the world, and I don't like movies that portray men as evil and women as this eternal sisterhood. I'm all about sisterhood, but the black and white thinking doesn't appeal to me, mostly because it took me years to stop seeing men as the enemy, even as I wanted to be loved by them. And it took me figuring out why I felt that way, as well as running into some of the good guys, who also told me no when I tried to sleep with them, sometimes when I didn't even want to, but it was how I knew how to show love...It took me learning how to say no when they wanted to and I didn't, as well as knowing what actually wanting to be sexual with someone feels like.

Anyway, he says something to her...that really resonated with me, and not in the "Saving Grace" crying-my-eyeballs-out-and -screwed-up-for-a-month-after-watching-it kind of way (see blog "Angels and Demons, Otherwise Known as Triggers). In a very "yeah, that's right!" kind of way. An empowering kind of way.

When she tries to seduce Simon (the family friend), she tells him that her wanting to sleep with him, and saying she loves him, has nothing to do with the molestation, and it goes a little something like this:

Rachel: This has nothing to do with him.

Simon: This has everything to do with him. He tried to take away all the things that would let you love me without being in my bed, like a friend or a father. This has everything to do with him. This is about knowing the difference between right and wrong, between the truth and a lie. He took that from you. And if you can't tell the difference, then you can't trust anyone. And if you can't trust, you can't love.

The part that got me was the "he tried to take away all the things that would let you love me without being in my bed." All those things. What are those things? Trust, safety, a lack of ulterior motives, protection, and most importantly, the lack of a need to do that bob and weave dance of "do I want to, should I, does he want to, should I if he wants to, even if I don't" that survivors of sexual trauma are so very intimately aquainted with...to just have a friend, or a father...

I always had a father, as emotionally unattached as he was at times, so I don't think that I looked for a father as much as I looked for the things in a man that my brother WOULD HAVE provided, had he not been abusive. I looked for a friend, someone who had my back no matter what, someone who would pick me up when I fell, would love me unconditionally, and who would beat up the people that hurt me.

Unfortunately, because the person who was supposed to give that to me also instilled in me the concept of sexuality, inappropriate sexuality, next to the need for all those things...well, you can see where the dysfunction lies.

And years later my brother looked at me when I was upset about one of those guys I was trying to get to be what he should have been, and said "Want me to beat him up for you?" And I just looked at him. And laughed. I didn't have the words or the recognition of my emotions at the time to say "What you have done...what you did, is the reason this is happening, because I'm looking for what you should have been in men that are not you and cannot be you, and don't understand why I am so frustrated with them, which frustrates me and it's a vicious cycle."

But the thing is, the reason why that line was so empowering to me, is I feel like for the most part I have put an end to the vicious cycle. I have. Me. I have chosen to build relationships on what they are supposed to be built on, and not look for covert relationships inside overt relationships to fulfill some broken need from the past...I have the knowledge now to know "right from wrong" and to at least attempt to trust. I won't say I trust completely, I have my paranoid episodes. I have to be reminded sometimes that no one is against me. I have to be reminded that I am safe now. I have had my slip-ups where sex is a method of comfort/need. But considering the years and years of maladaptive behavior patterns following the abuse, I think I'm doing fairly well now. I think I can hear the voice in my head that says "He'll cheat on you, get him first," "She's lying to you, don't let her get away with it," or the worst one "You're really not worth their time, you know," and say, "you're wrong, I will not listen to you," or at least, "I will use hard facts to evaluate that," instead of simply listening and believing.

Therapy and hard work, ladies and gentlemen. Years of it. And I'm still doing it. I have to, because I still have the work to do, and the bullshit to call. I had to call a lot of bullshit on my family. Had to set a lot of boundaries. Still making it happen. And therapy isn't like massage, it doesn't make you feel better right away. It kicks all your shit up and down and around you, and may make you not know which way is up. But once your through that storm, on the other side is a calm that's really peaceful not to get cheesy on you, but you can see clearly, and know things that never made sense before. At least before the next storm. But hopefully I've gotten to the point where I can live in the clearing, know a storm might be on the horizon, and not constantly anticipate it. I just have to know I'll be ready this time.