Pssshh

So, ah...something uncurled and broke free yesterday while I was driving home from work. Something I used to have, and didn't realize I had lost.


At the risk of sounding all touchy-feely like...I realized I had told someone something about myself that was no longer true. And I began to wonder why it was not true. And I compared me today to me last November, because that's a good starting point for the unravelling.

That girl I would say, had no filter. She had social skills, but she said what she thought, and she didn't back down in a fight. She would tell you exactly what she thought of you. She would be civil, but you wouldn't have any questions about where you stood. She was no bullshit, no hedging, and she hurt feelings sometimes because of it. She was unapologetic and she loved fiercely and without reservation.

And she didn't shut down when she got hurt. She got angry. And she told you about it.

She's back, ya'll. She has evolved, but she's back.

I had some hard knocks this year. I broke up with a guy I was with for 4 years in January. I thought at one point I was going to be with him forever (yes, I knew better, but I didn't want to). I re-entered the dating world at breakneck speed by starting a STUPID long distance relationship. I ended said STUPID long distance relationship. I had to find a new place to live, and upheave my life. I had a big fight with people I consider family. I fell back on some of my ancient coping skills. And I lied about it. But it happened. And I'm not ashamed.

I think at one point my brain just said STOP and threw on the brakes. And I couldn't feel anything but anxiety for a long time. Thus is the nature of anxiety. I acted on said anxiety A LOT. Said anxiety is not authenticity. Said anxiety made me over process, over analyze and just shut it DOWN because my soul was exhausted.

Did I say fuck that yet? OK. Fuck that. The bullshit came off in layers, and the final layer has evaporated.

So.

If you weren't very close to me before all that nonsense (and very few people were), you don't scare me. And you don't know me. But congrats, you get to get to know me all over again. Isn't that fun? I love meeting new people.

The people who were my homies back then, I'm sorry I lost the girl you fell in love with. It won't happen again.