...don't hate me when you're done with it...
Gosh, I really hope you don't have anything to do right now. This one might take a minute. For one, it will be filled with links, not unlike this one: Links
"Links" means "left" in German, ya'll. Left is where the haters go. Perhaps you can keep this in mind as you read.
Whoever said "Still waters run deep" never met me. I almost never sit still, and it's about to get Mariana Trench-y up in here.
It's a big crack in the ocean floor. It's also a band. They look like they suck.
Uh...it'll get deeper as you go along...
Disclaimer: Dudes I may have dated, my blog is about me, not you. Take it personally at your own peril.
None of my previous relationships worked. Obvs, if I'm not currently in them. Some blew up in my face, some were grown past, some were with crazy people, sometimes I was the crazy person. You can identify with one of those, I'm sure. Usually you just grow apart.
My growth process usually involves a ridiculous amount of introspective wallowing. I haven't found a better description of it than this song, (and that fan video in particular) which you have probably heard, but may not get the full meaning of yet. Watch. Learn. It's also where I got the title for this blogsite. Look out for it. It was ALSO obviously made by my soulmate. I must find him/her.
ANYWAY.
I hesitate to use the term "in love." Literally, I always pause for several seconds before the words leave my mouth. But also figuratively. Unless I'm joking, and then I use it all the time. My flippance comes from the fact that nobody actually knows what it means, there is no widely accepted definition of the emotion. Of the words themselves...well, see for yourself.
The word "love" by itself is much more definable, although it is a broad definition, as you can love your spouse, your friends, your kids, your boyfriend, your family, your sandwich, etc.
To explain, this blog was prompted by the fact that, in searching for group material for my clients, I happened upon this study, when actually searching for this one, which is the famous one. In the former, do fixate on the "more confident, but LESS accurate" quote. In latter (famous) one, which was pivotal for fMRI imaging and all kinds of psychological shenanigans, have a look at this quote:
“Most of the participants in our study clearly showed emotional responses,” noted Arthur Aron of the State University of New York-Stony Brook,“but we found no consistent emotional pattern. Instead, all of our subjects showed activity in reward and motivation regions. To emotion researchers like me, this is pretty exciting because it’s the first physiological data to confirm a connection between romantic love and motivation networks in the brain."
No. Consistent. Emotional. Pattern. Ya'll. And it activates the same regions of the brain as cocaine addiction. Like, whoa.
"In love," seems to be a flowery, Shakespearean notion in it's common usage. It defines a temporary feeling that makes people do CRAZY THINGS and write love letters, and cry for hours blahblahblah. It is interchangeable with "infatuation." There are people who will disagree with me, but I defy those people to give me a definition of "in love" that doesn't include the words "think about them all the time" and "always want to be with them." Hello, cocaine. Also, hello obsession. But that's what everyone seeks. It's fun, right?
I hate infatuation. Hate. It. I think that's because I realize what it actually is: addiction. And just like addiction, you eventually develop a tolerance. That person just doesn't get you high anymore but maybe you still need them around. Maybe you've met a new drug. I mean...someone else. Or maybe you're just dissatisfied with the situation and you would rather be sober. I mean...single.
I get it. Been all of those places. But maybe you're still mad at me. Being "in love" is OTHER-WORLDLY and COSMIC and you think I've just had bad experiences, and I must be a cynic. Judge the truth of my words with the caliber of your emotional reaction right now, and we may have something here. How bad do you want to argue?
You see, I've had the cosmic, the otherworldly, the great, and the horrible. I've had the confessions of undying love, on both sides, the cheesy, and the just straight shooting. Realizations abound, of late.
So call me a cynic if you will. I'm a romantic. It's true. I love flowers, and butterflies and candles and all that Rom-Com bullshit. I cannot handle the boiler room. Which if you never watched MSCL, here you go:
Boiler Room Part 1
Boiler Room part 2
Eventually, Jordan realizes he's a douchebag...and holds her hand on the way to the boiler room. Like, in public.
Boiler Room part 3
Methinks she missed the point. Who, after growing the eff up, still thinks Angela should have been with Jordan? I never did. She should have been with the guy that would have been good to her from the get-go. But that "in love" stuff...that's the business, right?
I've been with "Jordan." I've also been with "Brian." And "Rayanne." And "Ricky." Yeeees, "Ricky." Before he realized he was gay. Or before he was willing to admit to it.
I am a romantic. But I'm also a realist. True love grows. Often from no discernable starting point. Infatuation dies. Often from a VERY discernable starting point.
The thing is, being a realist, the things that I consider the most romantic are the things I've never had. And therefore the things I'm in search of: A true partner, a friend, a co-parent, someone to grow old with, someone to accept despite, someone who will accept me despite. Someone who grows with me, who can discover layer upon layer with me and know each part like the back of a hand, even while the others unfold. Grounded, lasting love. Nothing flighty or urgent about an oak tree.
Consider, for a moment, this quote. Ladies, it's for you too. Disregard the gender modifier:
"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."
--George Jean Nathan
<3, you guys.
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