Shift your Vocabulary

"Everything I do is judged, and they mostly get it wrong, but oh well. The bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff that "they" say, she looks me in the eye, says "Would you prefer the easy way? No? Well ok then. Don't cry."

I think I've accepted long ago that I have a knowledge and acceptance of the world as it is, that others may not share. I've been in some pretty dark places. I've done some really stupid things. I think I'm always prepared for the judgement that follows talking about it, and silence always feels like judgement.  But I also consider myself an activist, and a silent activist is no activist at all. I want to live my life in a way that shows other survivors that they can come out of those dark places.

I get so angry when I think about the fact that my past promiscuity (which has an almost linear correlation to my childhood sexual abuse, mind you) would have kept my rape case from getting prosecuted had I had the balls to come forward when it happened.  It shows society's almost automatic desire to blame the victim, and to tell a woman who has said "yes" to sex more than they think she should have, that she couldn't have really meant it when she said "NO."

Most people don't think, they don't look harder when they see "promiscuity," they just feel good in labeling the woman, so they don't have to think about her anymore. She's just a "slut" right?  Maybe this will help you look deeper.

Whatever "slut" means anyway, the word has no clear definition, except "a promiscuous woman, immoral and dissolute," according to Websters. But what does "promiscuous" even mean? You've slept with "too many" people for someone's tastes? Whose tastes? And what right do they have to decide that?

Would you feel good calling a woman a "slut" if you knew she was acting out on past abuse? No. You'd feel like an asshole. Hopefully, anyway. If you don't...uh...you ARE an asshole.  Would you feel good calling a woman a "bitch" if you knew that she was acting that way because it was the only way she knew how to protect herself? Again, hopefully no. Look deeper.

Nobody calls a man a bitch if he's assertive. We expect men to be assertive. But why do women get called bitches when we're firm with someone? The words, whether you think they do or not, have a decidedly misogynistic flair that no healthy woman is comfortable with, even if she uses them. You better be comfortable insulting every woman in the room when you use them, because even if it's not directed at us, we've all been called that at one point or another, and we take it personally.

I don't think I'm the only woman out there who is walking that fine line between "nice" and "assertive". I've lived my life for the most part always on the defensive, waiting for the other shoe to drop, one foot out the door, "come on asshole, fuck up, give me a reason."

No, don't. Really. Don't. I don't want a reason. I just want to relax. 

I'm tired. I'm really, really tired of watching my back all the time. That urge sits on top of my emotions pretty much all the time and it's hard to look past it. But I get called a bitch when I protect myself. Fuck. You.

I do feel shame about my past behavior. I wasn't someone most of you would have liked 6 years ago. The people who did like me then were just as messed up as I was. I've moved forward, I've chosen wonderful, imperfect beings just like myself to call family. And we close ranks faster than the CIA when times are tough. 

But I refuse to allow ANYONE to label who I used to be because they don't want to look deeper. I was promiscuous because I was acting out, because that was the way I knew how to connect at the time, and it was wrong. I was mean because I was hurting and keeping people out was easier than letting them in, and that was also wrong.

I'm not that girl anymore. I killed her. With knives.

But God help you if you say I was a "slut" or a "bitch." Because you better have a CLEAR CUT, non-nebulous definition that everyone shares with you waiting for me. Otherwise, take those words out of your vocabulary. You don't want to be one of those idiots who uses words when they don't know what they mean.

Also, just...be more descriptive, it's good for your brain. Sweeps out the cobwebs. Say "My, that lady certainly is being derisive and rude," or "Goodness, Sally certainly is being raunchy tonight." You can skip my Victorian undertones, but you get the gist. That way you aren't labeling, you're describing. You don't sound like a Neanderthal, and they get to know what they need to work on.  Win-Win.

Choose knowledge over judgement for a bigger world and a better tomorrow.