[rant]

I don't want to hear about how much weight you've lost. I don't care. Like, I'm happy for your personal health and all, but the numbers? All they do is trigger me.

A co-worker of mine came in the office yesterday and said "I'm sleeping great at night now on this cleanse." My other co-worker looked at him and said "It's because your body is starving and exhausted." 1st co-worker says "I know!" and nods happily.

Since I can't scream at work, I'm going to do it here: I FIGHT EVERYDAY NOT TO THINK/DO STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT BECAUSE I WILL FALL IN AND NOT COME OUT. 

Everyday everyday everyday. I watch what I eat so I don't get too full, because if I do, I will feel like purging. I look in the mirror and force myself to focus on the positive elements of my body so I can feel good about myself.

I've gotten to the point where I KNOW I'm beautiful, like I know it IN MY BONES. But that doesn't mean the ED voice is gone.

I try not to stare at other people's waist lines, I try not to think about clothing sizes when I shop. I CANNOT WEIGH MYSELF. I can't. I try not to think about my hip bones, my collar bones, my bones in general, how many calories I ate today, how much fat was in that thing I just consumed.

Bottom line: Cleanses are starvation diets. I don't care if you can only eat vegetables. Your body needs more than vegetables. I don't want to hear about your stupid cleanse. Not only is it idiotic, it triggers me. I used to do "cleanses" all the time. It was called "Anorexia." Just like your stupid cleanse. I don't care if it "works." Mine "worked" too. I starved myself to the point where my hair was falling out. I got thin. I also got sick. I hope you don't, even while I am resisting the urge to slap the taste out of your mouth.

You just eat. You just get what you want to eat and you eat it and you don't think about it. You just buy your clothes and you wear them. And if you want to lose weight, you just start eating salads instead of burgers and going to the gym.

I don't. I don't just eat. I think about everything I eat because I have to. I have to make sure I don't go nuts on my work outs because then I'll think, "Well, I ran for 2 hours yesterday, what's it gonna hurt today?" And then 2 hours becomes 3 and then it's every day and then I eat less and the more weight I lose the more triggered I get to keep losing.

You can't say "You're getting too skinny" to someone with an eating disorder and expect them to get that this is a bad thing. Too skinny is the goal. So they take that as a compliment.

And if you think this means I'm "fragile" or that you need to "be careful" around me, I will be happy to shove you into the nearest reality check.

You think "fragility" is what keeps me on the straight and narrow with this thing when I (and everyone in this stupid, fucked up society) am BOMBARDED with images of the "body ideal" every day? No. It takes some kind of stamina and strength *I* don't even understand. But I have it. And I look at that shit every day and say NO, I will not. Just like an alcoholic looks at a liquor store and says "I will not drink." Strength.

You think society is walking on eggshells around me? No. They don't give a fuck, as long as they sell some more Xenadrine and get you hooked on their latest diet fad. Don't "be careful." Just WAKE UP and don't be stupid.

"Hooked" is the operative word. Society is addicted to weight loss, but they don't even know the meaning. They don't know what it's like to ACTUALLY be addicted to weight loss, or to the feeling of control you get when those numbers go down.

I do. And it doesn't mean I'm fragile, it means I'm FUCKING PISSED. And if you're not angry, you aren't awake.

Numbers, sizes, calories, blahblahblah, none of that shit matters. Your HEALTH matters. And if you're starving yourself, or you are unnaturally preoccupied with food/exercise, no matter what your weight, that is. not. healthy. You don't have to be a certain size to "deserve" to eat, for fuck's sake. Eat. Your body needs fuel.

[/rant]