Outburst

This one will be difficult, but I've been silent for a long time. I don't have the courage to point fingers, but I do finally have to speak out. Fucking sue me. You're welcome to my scratched up car and my rented condo, but my son will be proud of his mother when he grows up. 

I'm refining the list on this post so if you're reading this...good luck.

I checked Facebook at work on Thursday and I read a thread of a friend of mine where she discussed the perpetrator of a sexual assault I experienced a few years ago. Maybe I'm less of a ballbuster now, or maybe I'm just more careful, but "the guy who raped me" is still hard to say. Especially when there is a name attached and I never went to the police.

Why didn't I go to the police...why why why. Do I regret not going? I don't know the answer to the second one, but the answer to the first one is simple and twofold: I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, and I was scared. I think I have made it very clear I am uncomfortable with the term "date rape" because I wasn't on a fucking date, I was out with a friend, or so I thought. Several friends even, but the number dwindled as the night when on. I won't go into explicit details except that I was drunk. Very drunk. I'm surprised I remembered any of it, but I'm glad that I did, so that when the boom finally lowered, I could say "yeah, I told him to stop, he didn't, he physically restrained me, etc," instead of having to say "I don't remember." I do. I remember everything I did to get him to stop. I remember him telling me "hey, we're just having fun here" when said "I can't do this," tried to get up and he pulled me back down.

Flashforward to the present, and a client of mine was coming in to talk to me right after I read the thread. I was cold and nauseated and SO SO fucking grateful that somebody had the courage that I never did. Thank you thank you. I looked probably so shell shocked, but the client didn't seem to notice, even though I said "Huh?" a lot in the conversation and he had to repeat things.

One of my co-workers came in and I asked if I could please talk to her before she called anyone in. I am not super open about this event, I'll be honest. I'm still scared. But after I lost it in a group at work one time when the topic of rape came up and one of my co-workers told our nurse at the time "I think rape is personal to her" (so...is it supposed to be impersonal? Should one not take it personally when someone forces themselves on you?) I said fuck it, and I talked about it with a couple of people I trust at work. Mostly so they would understand if I lose it in groups on occasion, you know. She was one of them, and she was fiercely supportive. I just started sobbing, and I wasn't sure why at first. I thought I was triggered, or angry, or something, but then I realized I was relieved that SOMEBODY SAID IT. Somebody finally called him out. He was a large reason that I dropped out of roller derby. That and not one female in that league knows Rape Trauma Syndrome when they see it. They thought I thought I was hot shit, like HOW DO YOU CONFUSE THE TWO? What is wrong with you?

As to whether or not I should have gone to the police. Other girls were hurt/harassed/I don't actually know because I wasn't privy to the details of other incidents in this case. I have a sneaking suspicion my case would not be prosecuted because, first of all, I was hammered and a legal aid defense attorney would have torn me to shreds. He acted like he was just "ohmygod, whaaat?" when I avoided him, and actually had the fucking balls to ask me why I was mad at him. I told him I wasn't. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I guess some of you think I'm brave. Well I wasn't then. I should have said "You piece of shit, I'm mad at you because you raped me," right?

In the aftermath, it's about survival. That year, it was about alcohol and taking my power back, or so I thought. But eventually I had to talk about it, and when I did, I experienced but a pinch of what I think reporting it to the police would have been like. I had to give a statement, both verbal and written. The verbal one ended up with me sobbing and holding a teddy bear, believe it or not. The written one was cake after that, and was to be redacted, I was told. He might know from the details, but my name wouldn't be in it. And I was to discuss it with no one. They were afraid of a lawsuit. And like the cops, it was cloaked in "concern for my welfare" fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. You were concerned for your bottom line. I was chastised for telling my best friend.

Am I sorry I didn't go to the police? I was the first to come forward, I'm told and it was too late at that time to prosecute. Would me coming forward earlier have stopped him? Would he have been prosecuted? Who the fuck knows, but being sold out by a womens' organization sure did change my view of feminism. I'm not going to blame myself for avoiding what I'm sure would have been a circus if my experience outside of the law is any indication. And if these statistics are: http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates 3 out of 100. That's disgusting, justice system. More murderers are prosecuted, why is that? It's easier to prove murder because the victim is dead right? So it's easier to prove rape if the rapist kills their victim. We have got to do better.

All in all, I feel okay. I am thankful for my friends who have my back. I am still angry. I'm still affected by it, I'm still in therapy for it, because of all people, after the childhood abuse, I thought if it happened to me, I would have handled it differently. I'm still dealing with that.

But one thing has changed: I'm not scared of him. He should be scared of me.