#nostigma

I won't pretend this realization was easy. I think it came to me over a matter of years. I struggled with depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life and rape trauma syndrome over the past few years. I feel like it's more of a common occurrence than most people would like to admit to acknowledge that I (and they)are one of those people who struggles with mental illness on a daily basis and yet lives a normal life. I've never been locked up in the hospital. But I have been in danger to myself and maybe a rare occasions others.

Recently I started having a panic attacks more frequently again and like any illness when you experience troubling symptoms you schedule an appointment with your provider. So I did that. Sometimes I'm able to go into the session knowing what triggered the issue and I just need to work it out. Sometimes I go in having no idea what triggered the issue. today was the latter. I wasn't sure why I was experiencing the feelings that I was experiencing until I talked it through with my therapist and I was able to figure out what's going on. It sucks to have to realize something that happened to you four years ago and the things that have happened to you throughout your life are still affecting you today. It makes me wanna punch certain people.

People who have never experienced this kind of trauma, sometimes I want to
hit you in the face. Sometimes I envy you. Sometimes I want to pretend you don't exist. Today I just envy you. It sucks to realize that you are still dealing with something that happened a few years ago and that because of the way that you chose to cope with it you were unable to get past it at the time.

The thing that is the most disturbing is that (and I realize quite a few females do this) that whether you say no to a guy for sex (and are ignored) or yes to a guy for sex (when you really don't want to), if you don't want to have the sex you may experience the same kind of dissociation that you experience during an assault.

I can and have many times acknowledged my past promiscuity. But I can tell you unless I was hammered and even sometimes when I was there were very few times that I really wanted to have that sex in a way that is normal and was because of normal sexual desire. Most the time I was acting on what I thought I was supposed to do or what I thought I had led the guy into thinking he could have and felt as though I had to deliver. I am now in a safe relationship with someone with whom I feel it is safe to say no to when I don't want to have sex and yes when I do.  I have found that I don't necessarily want to have sex to nearly as often as people try to force us to believe we are supposed to. I imagine with my history of sexual trauma that my desire for it is normally going to be less than the average person who has not experienced sexual trauma.

But that is just what I'm dealing with now. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life as I have stated previously. And so I have to work on accepting the fact that at times like someone with diabetes or some other sort of chronic illness I'm going to be down for the count. That was a hard realization to make. But it will help me take better care of myself hopefully and noticed the signs and symptoms before I end up being down for the count I feel like I may have had some of this without the trauma I've experience and may have had to come to this realization anyway but because of what I'm being forced to deal with today  because of the symptoms I'm experiencing, it came sooner.

It is possible to struggle with mental illness and have a normal life of job, family, children and live normally on most days just like it is possible to have diabetes and have all of those things and live normally on most days. Mental illness is just a severe as physical illness and should be taken as seriously as physical illness. I asked people to come out about their experiences so that we can raise awareness of this kind of thing as there are many movements out trying to do at this time. Please join me in doing so.