When I tell people I'm an empath, they usually think one of several things. Either I'm a nut, a hippie, a psychic (no), or they think of Counselor Troi from TNG.
While I may be a nut, I am none of the other things, although being a Betazoid does seem pretty cool sometimes.
It is less magic, more people reading. Body language, energy, facial expressions, voice tone, affect, all of these things go into being an empath. I can detect subtle changes in the atmosphere of a room based on the people in it, and it can affect me emotionally or physically. Sometimes this helps me, like when I'm doing my job or when I have a friend that needs help. It allows me to know what's going on and ask the right questions to draw out my friend or client in a way that allows me to help them.
And sometimes...sometimes it is very difficult. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to realize this in the midst of being tainted by someone's emotional funk (pissed mist, if you will), and sometimes I don't realize it until after I've run far, far away from that person. The latter happened today.
So, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD since I was a teenager. For a time, I had my negative coping skills, I still do, but I try to keep them at bay with the positive ones. I am far from perfect, and I have what Truvy in Steel Magnolia's would call "a past." Mostly, I don't feel the need or have the desire to see myself as above anyone. I am not. However, negativity affects me greatly.
I was until recently in a friendship with someone with whom I could not identify on most levels. I wanted this friendship very much for a time and still care deeply for this person and their family. However, her true nature was recently revealed to me in a way that made it impossible to continue the relationship. I went through something painful, and her response was to accuse me of making it up "for attention." It's hard to shock me, I mean REALLY HARD. But my jaw dropped. Anyone who knows me is well aware that making things up for attention is...not something I do. But in my bafflement and further discussion with this person, it became very clear that she was toxic for me. I ended the friendship.
Now, before anyone goes using words like "dirty laundry" and "internet," I removed this person from any feed that would allow her to see this. And if you have a generally approved list of "rules" for what to post on Facebook that, like, has been written into law, then please direct me to it. Otherwise, "driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cakehole." Supernatural for the win.
I'm human. I was furious that she would react that way to a friend telling her that they were going through difficulty. I said things I most likely shouldn't have. But largely I was okay with ending the friendship, in a way I hadn't experienced before.
Today I woke up feeling like a million pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was never more sure of a decision in my life.
Looking back at the friendship, the negativity was obvious.
Around me, she would speak ill of another friend of ours for struggling with depression all the while knowing I was having my own struggles with depression and panic attacks. I told her I had to go back on Prozac. Her response was "When did THAT happen?" with "THAT" having the same tone and tenor as "vomit" or "cockroach."
She repeatedly cheated on her husband and blamed him for it. I repeatedly told this was unfair. She would accuse me of being "his advocate" and seemed to expect me to just be okay with it. I wasn't. It made me uncomfortable every time I saw him at their house. Apparently to the point that he told said ex-friend that he thought I was rude because I had a hard time making eye contact among other things. I felt guilty. When I tried to explain this to her, she was not open to it. To say the least. She accused me of "throwing her secrets back in her face."
Beyond all that, for the past few months, something has just felt wrong to me. Her behavior really got to me. I brought it up to her and thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. Her response was "I don't care" and "I'm not going to stop."
Finally, it came to a head this past week. She referred to me as having "a fuckton of baggage" (speaking of throwing things in faces), and I asked that, since she thought so little of me, that she not contact me again.
And then today, all of the negative feeling and "wrongness" I have been feeling for the past few months is just gone. Am I blaming her for the way I have been feeling? No. But I am saying the shield I'm developing to keep out other people's stuff needs work.
As I slowly contacted my (real) friends regarding my recent issue, I received an outpouring of support, love, and righteous anger that someone who proposed to be my friend would treat me that way. I remembered who my real, sweet, kind, and accepting friends are, as one often does during adversity.
I would like to tell anyone else that is struggling with depression, or anxiety, or anything really, that there will always be people who don't understand your struggle. It is okay for them not to understand. It is not okay for them to belittle, bully, or make fun of you because they don't understand. And if they want to be a part of your life, they need to work on understanding or get gone. Its okay for you to be angry with them if they don't.
The problem is theirs, not yours. NEVER take other people's behavior out on yourself.
<3
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