The Bully

Its insidious, the bullying culture we have now. We bully people for being too “weak,” we bully people for being too strong, and when it comes down to it, we bully people for the same reasons we bullied them in high school. They’re smarter than us, or smaller than us, and we feel inadequate, so we target this person.

We would all like to think that we grow out of these behaviors. The truth is they become more subtle as time goes on. We don’t necessarily see adult bullying as the “schoolyard-give me your lunch money” type. It’s more sinister, if less conscious.

I am an intelligent person. I don’t think that I am more intelligent than anyone. I know people have intelligence in many areas that I do not, and vice versa. However, I have been accused many times of “acting smart,” or had people say “oh you went to school so you know more than me” in a very accusing tone. This is bullying. I don’t take it personally because THANKS TO THE FACT THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL, I realize that this behavior says everything about how they feel about their intelligence/education, and nothing about my behavior. I work with teenagers that rarely go to school and certainly don’t have a diverse vocabulary. Therefore, I don’t use the vocabulary that I have with them, and I don’t with people that I don’t feel will understand what I’m saying. Not to say that I dumb it down, but I want them to understand, so I speak their language.

If I have friends that I consider smart, I treat them like they’re smart, and I use words I think they would know and I talk about things I think they might know about. But recently, I was informed that doing so, in the eyes of someone who I now see as a bully, is “treating her like she has second rate intelligence.”

By no means, was this ever intentional. I assumed they knew the things I knew, and acted accordingly. But they assumed this meant I was “acting smart.” Which is a fallacy on many levels due to the fact that you’re saying I’m “acting” and therefore “not really smart.” I consider it your job as an adult to let me know if you don’t know what something means, and if you don’t understand something. I would consider myself insulting you if I “dumbed down” something for you. I say “I don’t understand that,” or “what does that mean,” constantly, at work, at home. I don’t consider it a mark of ignorance, it’s a desire to learn. Bullies, as a general rule, are wounded. They have been bullied, so they continue the cycle because it gives them that ever elusive feeling that we all seek at some times: power, or the illusion of it anyway.

Bullies bully physically, by invading your space and intimidating you. They bully emotionally by harassing and targeting you for criticisms and harsh judgments. They try to pick you apart because they are picked apart and unfortunately, do not realize that the end to this feeling is introspection, not outward projection.

I don’t respond well to bullying. I have no problem standing up for myself and I will cut someone off if they refuse to change their behavior. I’m not interested in keeping abrasive, bullying types in my life, but more than that, I’m a sensitive person.

You heard me. I know I project tough. I am tough.

But I am easily swayed by negative energy, and can make me feel emotionally unsafe. I take my friends as is. If they attack me for being myself, as is, then they will no longer be my friend, because that is what I expect of friendship. If I begin to feel emotionally unsafe around you, I will distance myself, because once the chink in my armor is found, I am vulnerable, and negative energy can get in and affect me. And once my defenses go up, I can be ice cold.

I don’t consider myself damaged. I don’t consider myself to have anything wrong with me any more than someone with diabetes or heard disease does. I have depression and panic disorder. I largely have it under control because I have learned to take my medicine when I need it, and take care of myself in a way that maybe others don’t have to, because they don’t have depression and panic disorder. People with “physical illnesses” have to do the same.

I have watched the kids this week bullying others and have to be told “Hey, what your doing is bullying.” Unfortunately that does not change in adulthood. Often times people have no idea they are bullying or how it affects others. We think “I can say whatever I want whenever I want because I’m a badass and I tell people what I really think.” Which is all well and good, in a digestible form, you don’t just get to say awful things and be an awful person in the name of honesty. I’m very honest, but I want people to absorb what I’m saying. So I pick the right time to talk (or I try to) and I choose my words carefully.

This is not to say I never have issues. I lash out when I’m angry, when I’ve been wounded. This isn’t always constructive, and I own that. I do my best to fix it after, and when it can’t be fixed, I understand that. Things get ugly, things fall apart, things come back together, or they don’t. Relationships are messy.

We as a whole have to recognize bullying as a sincere and ongoing problem amongst our youth and ourselves, so that we can let others know, “Hey, this is not okay, and it has nothing to do with me.” Own your shit y’all. #ownit