Zig Zag

I started writing a long facebook status and then realized it was crossing the line into too long so I took to the keyboard.

I no longer work at Phoenix House. The Descanso location closed down and everyone lost their jobs. I started looking for work in the same way that I always do, social services, mental health, addiction counseling,and then I stopped.

Phoenix House took a toll on my family life. I mean the HR department are straight up assholes (sue me). But I loved the job. Loved it deep in my soul. There were kids that affected me deeply and that I wanted to help, but couldn't reach, and then some that I did reach but handing the reigns to them was excruciating. If you can read this, Genesis caseload, you are one of those kids.

My life was filled with failed connections, wounded connections, some healthy connections, but the wounded ones did me in for quite a while and I realized something. Not having healthy human connection at an integral age, love, support, fucking hugs for God's sake, being abandoned by those that they were connected to, these are the things that lead to maladaptive behavior patterns (drug use, dangerous behavior, acting out etc). But when I made a connection with a client at PH, I was lambasted. Maybe I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Maybe I needed someone with more schooling and less experience to tell me what to do, or maybe I was giving them what they actually needed. Someone who gave an actual shit. I still don't know to this day, I go back and forth. I know for the vast majority of the time I was working there, I was good at my jobs and some days I was great.

I miss laughing with kids that hadn't laughed for a while. Hell, I even miss being straight up bullshitted by one in particular because he just couldn't, and I knew he couldn't, but I knew I couldn't not try and sleep at night. It's an emotional job. It's supposed to be your calling. Like the priesthood, you work late, you bring it home with you (and then they have those bullshit "self-care" sessions where their like "no you need to find a way to leave it here," and the only way to do that is quit). I miss facing my nemesis, even. That fucker taught me so much about myself, and he taught me that no one is as scary as they think they are. You can shut anyone down, and I did.

I think I just wanted my kids to know that I knew. I knew they had to lock it down and that the drugs and the crime were the only way to survive because if you had to be alone with your thoughts for too often, you might just take yourself out. I knew because I did it. I fucking fought like hell to live even as I didn't give a shit if something took me out. I fucked up a lot. But it's all survival. You do it to get through the parts that might kill you otherwise. I wanted them to know that it was okay and that they would live through it if they chose to.

Not many people understand. My husband used to tell me (while we were fighting about my work hours) "You do this because you think you're like them, but your not." I wouldn't correct him because the darkest portions of my life, the lies, the twisting and turning to get through something I didn't know how to get through otherwise, no one knows about those, and I mean no one. Not a soul but me and God. And God forgives me. And now, finally, I'm starting to forgive myself. But in that forgiveness may come changes. Career changes, maybe. Maybe just how I do my career. I will tell you I will never regret hugging a client, or telling them that I loved them, or telling them that they meant the world to me. Never. I refuse to let anyone else do so either. So while I continue my daily struggles with my own life, I'll continue to give honestly, to do the best that I can.

ALWAYS. KEEP. FIGHTING.