"I don't know what we are."

Dating. Sucks. SoMuch.

Especially in this day and age when we have things like "live tweeting" (which, don't get me wrong, live tweeting a show or a party, yeah, a date...I guess it has it's own appeal, but still).

We have "we're just friends," which, guys and dolls, if you used to date or were in a serious relationship, the whole world knows that means you're knocking boots, so lets just dispense with the attempt at classiness. It's not classy to be friends with your ex. Especially if they're a douche.

We have "we're just talking" which, this was around when I was in high school, but wtf does that even MEAN? I talked to the cashier at CVS today, does that mean we are, albeit slightly, romantically entangled? We also know this means you're fooling around and that there is romance involved but one of you doesn't want to commit so you say "talking" instead of "stalling." We know this. Everyone knows this.

I don't know if anyone says "dating" anymore. But I do. And I used it when it was appropriate. Sometimes it was a stronger word than was warranted, as my friend Nora was wont to remind me. But sometimes I went places with these guys, like movies and dinner, and to my house to watch TV shows. Once I even went to a gourmet restaurant with a guy I was "dating." That's "dating." That's not "talking" or "Friends" or whatever else. It's not a committed relationship necessarily, but it could turn into one, and it would leave far less trust issues and hurt feelings when we both agree that we're "seeing where this goes" (AKA "dating"). If at one point, one of us wanted more, this was communicated on occasion. If one of us wanted less, this was also communicated on occasion. Once, a guy I had no interest in a relationship with told me he found a girl that wanted a commitment and essentially broke off our "arrangement," (keeping it classy). He was eternally concerned that I was "okay." I laughed. I was relieved actually. But we communicated.

When two people who have some sort of romantic something towards each other are around each other and things happen and its undefined and nobody sets ground rules, whether Generation Commitmentphobe wants to admit it or not, it causes anxiety, it causes hurt feelings, and it creates trust issues for your future relationships. Do you know how I know this? BECAUSE I USED TO DO IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I had a 3 year undefined relationship in college, and I thought since we weren't committed that I could see other guys, and he didn't find that concept amusing and I was so confused, but then I got mad. And I saw other guys just to spite him. He was actually just mad that he was too lazy to find anyone else to go out with and I didn't have to try that hard.  Sound healthy? No? It's not. My mom hated him. Good call mom.

I should say at this point that if you are like me, and you struggle with depression and anxiety, triggers are bad, mmkay? You know what's a trigger? Somebody who messes with your emotions because you can't set boundaries. Boundaries help with anxiety, and with depression, and are just generally good things. It's called self-care. Get some.

Before that, I just sort of thought you were together or you weren't. Turns out there are ALL SORTS of ways to not be together, not really. These are confusing times for young lovers. Let me state now that if both of you are just having fun together and you both don't want to commit, have at it. But if that status changes, you better let somebody know before it gets ugly. Because it will.

But herein lies the problem. There are no boundaries. There is no "this is what I want, and if you don't want it, #byefelicia." There is fear of loss and fear of being alone, of not having "someone" because without "someone" we are worthless, right? WRONG. Generations of stupid shows about fucked up pretty people have lied to you. You do not NEED some guy/girl in your life who won't give you their full attention because they still want that other guy/girl over there. That's ALWAYS what it is. Please don't lie to yourself. I shall create a separate sentence.

If someone will not commit to you, it is because they want their options open. THEY WANT TO BE ABLE TO DATE/KISS/HAVE SEX WITH/GENERALLY SNUGGLE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Don't believe the "I'm just not ready for a relationship because my band is just taking off or I'm just getting my life straight, or my cat is the most important thing in my life, or whatever stupid excuse you've heard in stupid shows since Dawson's Creek (sorry Jensen...I'm so sorry). They want to have the option to do other people. My, that turned into a paragraph.

I think my general purpose in life has just become to stop all the people from the buying of all the bullshit. I just can't when I hear people say "I don't know what we are." Rest assured I will ask you why you don't, and if your answer is anything other than "We haven't talked about it," I will have to have a word with you. Nicely, don't be scared. If you say to someone, "Listen, I like you a lot, and I would like to take it to the next level. I want you to be my partner/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever, and they do not share your sentiment, KICK ROCKS, my friend. This isn't some "If you love something let it go" nonsense. This is some logical basic psychology. If they find themselves without you, and they don't like it, they will realize they want to be with you. If they find themselves without you, and they like it, well, you did yourself a favor, because who wants anything half-ass. Whole ass, my friends. Whole. Ass. And you may find yourself without them AND a whole lot of anxiety that being in an undefined relationship caused you. Win.

I should tell you that despite the various challenges my husband and I have faced since the VERY FREAKING BEGINNING of our relationships (nutty exes and whatnot) I employed this method about 3 weeks into our relationship for logical (he lived in San Diego, I lived in LA, hello gas money) and emotional (I wanted to be with him and only him) reasons. So I told him. And he hemmed and hawed for a little bit, and I gave him some time, and then when I felt like he'd had enough time, I said "Okay, well, I'm gonna go home now, because this is taking longer than it should." His immediate response was a very quickly spoken "Yes, yes, I want to be with you, I want you to be my girlfriend." WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. He thought he might lose me and he didn't like that idea. The equation works, guys. There will be losses. But there will be wins, and eventually, there will be that one big win.

Don't be scared of that boy or girl. You know whats hot? Someone saying "I want you, only you." You know what's the opposite of hot? Someone saying "I want you....but not enough to want only you." DUDES. So simple. No long talks. One sentence. If they don't like it, go find someone who does.

#alwayskeepfighting for true love. And mental health. The two so often go hand in hand really.