Polyamorpathology

I have been reading more and more lately about "polyamory" and the idea that you can have more than one "monogamous" relationship at the same time (which is...you know, not possible given the definition of "monogomous.") I'll approach it from the perspective of a woman because that's the only perspective I know.

There are plenty of women who would deride my opinion, call me a prude, etc. They are welcome to their opinion. It really comes down to the factions of feminism that has to do with being either "sex-positive" or "sex-negative." 

Here's the thing. I've had plenty of sex in my life. Way more than I should have considering I can count on one hand the people I have actually WANTED (like salivating, chomping at the bit wanted) to have sex with in my life. And that's a fair amount fewer than the number of people I've actually bedded, tbh. 

There is a theory that women, given womens' lib and all that, can and should fuck anyone they want to and that they should receive no social consequences from that. I agree with that to an extent. If you call a woman a slut or a whore in front of me, I will be quick to correct you, and if you want to be lectured on why, I'm happy to do that too. A woman shouldn't be thought less of for the amount of people she's been with sexually any more than a man should. But the operative phrase in that sentence is "any more than a man should." Sex has consequences. The brain releases oxytocin upon orgasm, which causes bonding, feelings, etc. Sex can cause pregnancy, STDs, some of which can kill you or drive you mad, and no method of protection is fool proof. I don't believe a woman should be shamed for having sex. I don't believe a man should be shamed for having sex. Unfortunately the former isn't happening yet. 

Sex positive feminists, believe the idea that they can have as much sex "as they want" because men do. I'll break that down because of the quotations. Women are subjected to so much bullshit basically out of the womb, indoctrinating them into this double standard lifestyle of "be sexy, but don't be a slut." I have a hard time believing that a lot of these girls (and guys) are attempting to fill a hole (pun intended) in their life with the idea that sex means they're attractive, sex means they are worth something. 

In the same vein, a sex positive feminist would tell me that I am broken, there's something wrong with me, because I don't feel the need to take 5 million selfies showcasing my cleavage and begging for validation of my being through my sexuality. I reject the idea that I "must" be sexy to be worthwhile. I reject it fully because I lived it prior to realizing that I don't like sex with people to whom I am not emotionally connected. And to be perfectly honest with you, I didn't know what "emotionally connected" meant, until I met my husband. I feel safe with him, safe enough to express myself emotionally in ways I never have before. I don't want or need any other man or woman in my life, and I recognize where those longings have come from in the past: Anger,grief, boredom, the need for distraction. Never an actual desire for sex. 

People who claim to be polyamorous make my skin crawl, its a visceral response, the same one I have when I am introduced to or around a dangerous person. I think it's probably because the idea is such a violation of my own personal boundaries that I can't abide it, and because I have for so long worked to get my boundaries where I want them, a violation seems dangerous. 

In the same way that I don't abide being told how to live my life (my MIL used to ask my husband and I if we'd "been drinking" when we went out, and I thought the question was incredibly odd and out of line considering we are all adults and it's not really anyone's business but ours what we do as long as we're safe, which we always were) I would never tell another how to live their life, only to be aware of their motivations, and make sure they are healthy. 

I used to have a friend who would vehemently deny any feelings for a guy she was sleeping with, but then become EXTREMELY perturbed by the fact that he was talking to another girl while he was with her. She was right, he was out of line. But their "arrangement" did not allow for her to express that he hurt her feelings because she did not have "feelings." So she just got mad and pretended he was a bad person to make herself feel better and say "we can be with anyone we want but I can't handle him being with this girl." 

And this is what we do ladies. We lie to ourselves and we lie to our partners because if we don't win the apathy wars, we don't get the guy. 

I wish we'd just stop it, and be honest about our feelings. I wish we weren't so worried about "scaring" some douchebag away because someone telling another that they care for them is "terrifying." Why? If you don't share their sentiment, you tell them, you move on, they move on, better for it. Less wasted time. But we are scared of appearing "needy" or "desperate" THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE OF QUALITIES IN A WOMAN. 

#knowledgebomb Telling someone you care for them, or even love them, is not needy. It's not desperate. It's expressing an emotion, and if the person you are expressing that to thinks otherwise, they are a waste of space and your time. Their response has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you. 

You don't have to "play it cool." You don't have to be sexual before your ready to keep them around (hello high school, how are you?).  You do have to grow up and own your shit so that you can live a fulfulling life where the people around you know where they stand with you.

Ladies, you don't have to be sexy all the time to be valid. You are valid. You can wear sweats and no make up and give no fucks and still be valid because you are a human. You don't have to screw around, unless you are the unicorn that has no feelings and can behave however you want with impunity, but then you'd be a sociopath. Sociopaths ALSO make my skin crawl. 

Don't believe the lie. #ownyourshit