The Sisterhood Isn't Enough

In light of the Oscars I didn't watch last night, and Lady Gaga's moving performance (I heard on Buzzfeed), it's an important moment to speak as a survivor.

I haven't watched the Oscars since 2009. I couldn't care less who/what wins what.  So my boycott this year wasn't much of a sacrifice. In addition to the pasty cronyism, the super important stuff doesn't usually get the statue. "Til It Happens To You" is no exception.

This was a song with a video that had me gripping my throat while watching. The rape scenes were all too real. The lead ins were full of dread. And the sisterhood that came to the rescue of their friends who had been attacked reduced me to a puddle.

And that's when I realized the sisterhood isn't enough. We aren't enough. I would really like to think we are, but so far, I haven't seen it. We have our "Take Back the Night" marches and our movements to educate and our online campaigns to discuss our attacks but we still feel the need to hide our faces sometimes. I refuse to understand that. If ANYONE still judges you for discussing an assault that was by no means your fault, it means that we are not enough.

 Joe Biden introduced her song. The vice president. I would have loved it to be the president, but either way, I really hope it's more than lip service.

I know plenty of men who find rape despicable, are incredibly supportive of survivors, are survivors themselves.  My father is a sweet man who I have yet to tell about my own attack. I tried, but I could only get out a vague gloss over of what actually happened. The words "Daddy, I was raped," bring tears to my eyes. I don't know if I'll ever say it. Or need to. But I know it would break his heart. I know he wouldn't blame me.

I remember a discussion we had after watching "A Time To Kill" when I was younger. We were sitting at the dinner table and I had made it clear in no uncertain terms that I felt it was perfectly fine to kill someone for raping a 10 year old. I'll be honest. I still feel that way. My father, ever the "turn the other cheek" Christian, disagreed with me. Obviously as my father it was his job to discourage vigilante justice lest his children end up in jail, but I was horrified by his reprisal.

"Daddy, what if it was me? What if a grown man did that to me?"

His eyes fell, and he cleared his throat. He told me (and my mom's gonna laugh when she reads this) "Well, that's a very difficult situation. It's hard to know what I would do in that situation."

He likes to say situation about 5 times in one paragraph. It's endearing and silly.

That was an honest answer. I think most men would have to suppress the urge to kill the man that did it. I think my sweet gentle father is no exception.

If you think that there are no longer rape apologists, think again. There are downright rape supporters.

So in response to a crime that is so difficult to prosecute because of "he said/she said", forgetting the statistics of less than 3% of rape accusations being found to be "false," (I say false because a woman in dire economic straights accepting a payoff from her rapist's people DOES NOT MEAN SHE WAS NOT RAPED. It means she chose not to press charges so she could live. Her rapist is still a rapist).

The idea that a woman would rather put herself through a horrific trial and have her sexuality, her history (because there are ways around Rape Shield Laws), and her life getting ripped apart verses being able to pay for housing, food, her children, whatever. You do not know anyone's life but your own, so please stop using the "she dropped the charges/she took a payoff" as a "not guilty" for the rapist. It most definitely is not. Use logic. Use empathy. There are many numbers of reasons that someone does not press charges against their attacker, fear and self-blame being the top, but certainly not the only reasons.

I'm not a vigilante so far, but I can't promise that if I ever saw my rapist on the street I wouldn't beat the ever-loving shit out of him. And when I'm arrested, I'll tell the police why, like I should have done right after it happened.

I'm not calling for violence, per se. But I can tell you non-violence hasn't gotten us very far. "Letting the legal system handle it" leads to most rapists spending less than a day in jail.. And lets just be really clear about this. People who rape, don't rape once. It's not something they just try and then stop. It's a compulsion of sexual deviancy that is in their make up. That was true of my case, as the reports flooded in when I finally came forward.

This is especially important given that tomorrow is Super Tuesday. Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, I'd be willing to wager fall on the misogynist/sociopathic side of the spectrum, which means they don't give a hot shit about anybody, much less sexual assault survivors. They will not support laws that protect us. They will not support laws that allow us to take back control of our own bodies after they have been violated. They will offer no sympathy to you when their "legal system" fails you. I would tell you to just not be Republican, since their history has been misogynistic in general and NEVER supportive of laws that protect rape victims, but that's not really a request I can make.

All I can say is vote your conscience, if you have one. Vote for the people who seem to care about
the fact that millions of people throughout the world seem to think its okay to take someone's body without their consent. Please take into consideration the mental, physical, emotional, toll this takes on someone.

But, if you can't, please take into consideration that we are a population of survivors, by any means necessary, and we know when it stops.

It doesn't stop when we take them to court. It doesn't stop when they go to jail, there's more of them, and rape sentences aren't nearly long enough. It doesn't stop when we dress in a fucking nun's habit, that wouldn't stop anyone. And it doesn't stop when the Vice President, as awesome as it was, introduces a ground-breaking video about sexual assault, and "pledges" to help stop the epidemic.

It stops when THEY are scared of US.

Rise. Up.

And while you're at it, vote.