It's been a long time.
So. I got divorced.
I know, I know, a lot of you saw it coming, but I also know I did a pretty good job hiding how bad everything was. I felt so trapped for so long, I had to convince myself that I had to stay, that I had tied myself to this man for life, and that for my son's sake, I had to make it work.
And then I realized my son was watching his mother be mistreated. It made me re-evaluate my parenting, and parenting as a whole. I decided I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was okay to treat the people he loves like they don't matter. I realized we can all be poor examples for our kids all day long in subtle, almost imperceptible ways, and I accepted that. We all do it.
But I also realized I was not comfortable raising my child within a toxic relationship. I tried to leave California. Matt stopped me. He continued to try an exert control over me by staying in the condo after filing for divorce, even though he has family nearby. He would still try to kiss me, make sexual comments to me, etc, after the divorce was filed. Which, I've noticed, does not seem to baffle other people as much as it does me. I'm like "Hey guy, get your tongue out of my mouth, we aren't together anymore," and I've heard everything from "It's hard to make that transition," to "well, you were still living together," to "he wanted to have his cake and eat it too."
I had no choice in the whole "still living together" thing. I had nowhere to go. He did, but I think he still held out hope that something would change and we would work it out. But I was done.
I remember the night he finally left, though not of his own volition. He came home, talking about throwing me out of the house, attempted to start an argument, and I got up and left the room. Daniel followed me. Then Matt followed Daniel and shoved his way into the room. He then shoved me into some furniture several times, grabbed Daniel and ran out of the condo.
I called the police. They arrested him. They contacted CPS. I got a visit from a social worker the next day. I explained the event to her. She said she had spoken to my son and he had told her what happened. It broke my heart that my child watched his dad put his hands on me in a violent way.
He told me "When daddy was hurting you, I wanted to punch him in the face."
I didn't feel validated. I didn't say "Yeah, that's right!" I didn't laugh or smile. My heart broke. My son should never have to feel like he has to protect me. I'm the one who protects him. Which is what was trying to do during the assault.
Matt has never taken responsibility for that, going so far as to say I filed a false police report. The people that believe him are going to believe him no matter what I say or do, whether they called themselves my friends or not. Some of them did. But as it turns out, they weren't really my friends.
My life became literal Hell for a while after that. Matt was after me in every sense of the word. He filed a retaliatory restraining order on me after I filed one on him for like...actually assaulting me. He started having my neighbors and former friends take pictures of me and my son playing outside. He attempted to spy on me. To him, he felt he had a good reason. I was trying to get full custody of Daniel, so he had to prove I was terrible. Only he couldn't. So literally anything I did wrong (forgot to brush his teeth, his socks didn't match, etc) became intel. I was terrified of my every move. I actually had to make this blog private because his mother told him he should use my struggle with depression and anxiety against me in court.
I realized he was still emotionally abusing me. There is so much truth in the quote "Once a Narcissist can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you." He painted me in the worst light he possibly could. He told people I would blackmail them, that I was using them, that I would file false police reports on them. He told the entire neighborhood that I was a drug addict.
People told me "this is what he wants, he wants you scared all the time." That's all well and good, except, like, yeah, I know. But he got what he wanted. I couldn't turn off the fear. I just had to walk through it.
If you've never been through an actual custody battle, take my advice. DON'T. Work it out among yourselves, I promise you can. Daniel luckily never found out about the courtroom drama unfolding in his honor, but not all kids are that lucky. I was trying to protect my son from a dangerous man. But I had no proof. So we have 50/50 custody. I hate it. Daniel cries and acts out every time I have to send him to his father's house. I have him in therapy, in the hopes that if there is something happening, it will come out, and if there's not, that Daniel will get help. Either way, I think it's a good idea.
I lost my job at St. Madeleine's because of the divorce, but that ended up being a huge favor that they did me. I have a job that I love and the company is just about 5 trillion times better in every way.
I found out who my real friends are. They're still around, and they stuck around through all of this. They had my back. I found out who my real friends are not as well. Be wary of people who are in your circle but not in your corner. Loyalty is so rare these days, but I'm lucky to have the loyal friends that I do have.
After the 5 year emotionally abusive marriage and subsequent divorce, I was drained completely. I had barely the energy to work and take care of my child, but somehow I did. I didn't think about relationships, I never wanted another one. I just wanted to work and raise Daniel. And out of the dust, the love of my life appeared. Neither of us saw it coming. My friends since we were both 14, we had just been talking for a few months after the divorce because he had been through something similar and he was being supportive. I realized I was hungry to hear from him. His texts gave me butterflies and I wanted to hear his voice all the time. The song "Desire" by Ryan Adams started to make me think of him. And one night I finally told him I had feelings for him. We were texting, and there was a huge pause. I thought "Oh god, what have I done," but then he came back with "I have feelings for you too.
Initially I was wary of entering another relationship and rightly so. But this felt unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I felt safe. "Safe" and "in love" are not words I have ever used in the same sentence unless one was negating the other. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we fit like a glove. And the first time he wrapped his arms around me at the San Diego airport, I knew I was home. I feel like we were made for each other. We just took 20 years to figure it out.
I can say this was a hugely stressful year. I can also say it was the best year of my life. I finally freed myself from a harmful cycle of abuse, and freed my child from having to watch it play out. I'm single momming, and I kind of love it. I met the love of my life and his beautiful child, who just so happens to adore my beautiful child.
I'm starting to realize that the cliches come from somewhere.
"You meet the love of your life after the mistake of your life."
"If you love something, let it go. If it's meant to be, it will come back to you."
"Love looks like love."
"If someone acts like they can live without you, help them do it."
And most importantly of all, it does not matter if someone loves you. If they cannot SHOW that they love you, they might as well not love you at all.
Love looks like love.
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