I'm gonna tell you a story kids.
It's about an 18 year old girl, in her freshman year of college who got asked to study for a Spanish test by a graduate student. She went, because she had a hard time studying on her own, focus and all that and she never really had to study in high school, even in AP classes. She was pretty smart. She went over to the graduate dorm and found his room, as he had called her and given the number to her. The graduate dorms were nice. Much nicer than the freshman dorms. They had kitchenettes and stairs. That led to where, she didn't know. But her study partner did.
They opened up their books and began going over the material, conjugating verbs and trying to speak only Spanish, when he looked up at her and laughed slightly.
"Da me un beso," he said.
She heard him. Her brain was working. "Beso" was kiss, she knew that. She laughed because he laughed and she was still trying to fully understand what was going on. He took her confusion as his chance to make a move, standing up to pull her into a kiss.
A cold realization and a revulsion took her over at the same time. She was not attracted to this man. He was quite a bit older than her, and she had come to study, as a part of a group, she was told.
His roommate walked in just then. Deus ex machina.
"You know, I um, I really have to go. I have to get something for my roommate I just remembered and I'm hungry, so..." she trailed off.
He stood up again. "Oh if you're hungry we can get some pizza, I'll come with you."
The roommate heard this. Deus ex machina again.
"Oh pizza, yeah man I'm starved. I'd love to go get some pizza."
She looked at the roommate silently and wondered if he could see the gratefulness in her eyes. Or the anger in his roommate's, probably. But she wasn't looking at him.
"Yeah, that sounds great! And we can talk about our test again, yeah? I'll meet you at Momo's in an hour."
First of all, Momo's was awesome. Shout out to my Seminoles. FSU!
Second of all. Did she meet them at Momo's? Yes. She did. They had awkward pizza and she talked more to his roommate than to him. But the pizza was good.
I was 18 and he was 30. He had predator written all over him. In hindsight of course, I didn't see that when I got the group study invite. But in retrospect all the signs were there.
The line between victim, survivor, and dead can be razor thin. I'm 34, so this was before texting blew up, for me anyway. I may or may not have had my cell phone. It was pretty bulky. And I wasn't attracted to the guy. Imagine if I had been. How far would I have allowed it to go. And when I told him to stop, would he have? We don't know, because I got the hell out of there and made me meet him in a public place....whiiiiiich is what should have happened in the first place. But he told me there was going to be a group and I believed him. Trust peg down on people in general.
I was 18. Legal, and yet still vulnerable. I was a 5 hour drive from where I grew up, and when people told me something back then, most of the time. I still believed them. Despite the fact of my childhood sexual abuse, and my generally fucked up sense of boundaries at the time, I got the hell out of there. Go me.
Now lets say in the technology age, which, I am terrified for kids and I work with some that use their texts appropriately and some that don't.
Lets say the girl is 17, or 16, or any age under 18.
And here's this suave 40 year old guy. He's got some experience, he's good looking, he tells you you're pretty. You may think he's nice. You may think he's creepy, you may be indifferent. But understand something: HE HAS ALREADY CROSSED A LINE BY CONTACTING YOU PERIOD.
Normal, healthy, non-predatory 40 year old men have ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS CONTACTING TEENAGE GIRLS FOR ANYTHING unless they are their father or another close relative.
Some people find it flattering when an older guy finds them attractive. Don't. Really, don't. Older men have been marrying, dating, skeeving on younger women for eons. It's what they do. It's not special.
In the case that you ask him to stop contacting you, and he doesn't, do these things in this order: Tell a parent or trusted adult. Have them take you to the police station. File a report. Even if they tell you there's nothing they can do THEY HAVE TO TAKE THE REPORT. Don't take no for an answer. Enough pings on law enforcement's radar and they have to act.
In the case of ANY SEXUAL COMMENT FROM KISSING TO ACTUAL INTERCOURSE made from an older man to a teenager whether on social media, text, or otherwise, do these things in this order: Tell a parent or trusted adult. Ask them to call the national child abuse hotline 1-800-4-ACHILD (this will route you to your local one). Have trusted adult inform hotline that a 40 year old man is contacting you and making sexual comments, attempting to lure you into sex acts (because that's what he's doing). Then go to the police. File a report. Again with the pings on law enforcement's radar. The police will be forced to file what is called a SCAR (Suspected Child Abuse Report) by your report, so that way your local Child Welfare office gets 2 reports on the same person. One from your trusted adult, and one from the police.
Adults, if the harassment happens to you, and this person contacts, threatens (and "I know where you live" is a threat, whether made verbally or through US Mail) or otherwise bothers you after you have told them to leave you alone, do these things in this order. Tell someone you trust to help you advocate for yourself. Take this person with you to the police station (don't call). Tell them you need to file a report. Show them all the communication you have received including mail. EVEN IF THEY TELL YOU THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING, let them know that each time he continues to contact, threaten or otherwise harass you, you will be back. And then do it. I cannot say this enough: Enough pings on law enforcement's radar forces action.
I also want like, every woman on the earth to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Now. Go, acquire and devour. It is an excellent read for anyone who has ever dealt with assault, harassment, or stalking.
The think I tell people that I learned from that book is (and I'm sure I'm mangling the quote, but I'm doing my best) IGNORE THEM. COMPLETELY. Don't talk/tweet/post about them where they can hear/see you, and definitely do not talk to them. AT ALL. EVER. De Becker put it like this "If they call you twenty times and you finally answer, they have learned that he price of your attention is 20 calls, and they will pay this price each time to reach you." DO NOT ANSWER/RESPOND. They will eventually get arrested for their behavior (because I promise you that predators can't get their rocks off with online stuff forever. They have to actually physically do things), or move on.
I want you to trust me on this because I've watched it happen. I'm a social worker. I work alongside Child Welfare, and I'm a mandated reporter for child abuse of any type.
If you need my help with any of this, please don't hesitate to DM me on twitter @roseredyerdead
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