Vessels

I'm pro-choice. Abortion seems to be this sudden, hot-button issue (again), but it seems like every election year that's the case so I'm not shocked. I don't tell a lot of people this, it doesn't come up in conversation and I'm not crazy about the #shoutyourabortion phenomenon, but when I was in college, I had an abortion. No, I'm not ashamed of it, but there are quite a few medical procedures I don't discuss with everyone for many reasons. Because MEDICAL PROCEDURES are a part of your MEDICAL RECORD which is y'know, supposed to be private.

 I've had so many people talk shit about abortion to me, in front of me, around me, etc. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut. I'm not interested in getting in more arguments than I need to and I don't feel the need to justify (once again) a medical procedure, any more than I feel the need to justify my surgery in January. It's not the opinions that bother me, everyone is entitled to those. It's the ignorance. The people that have absolutely no clue what an actual abortion entails (no I'm not going to tell you) and just get their info off the internet and believe the scare tactics of the religious right.

It's also the idea that everyone that has an abortion is using it as birth control, and that "Well, if you have sex, you should be ready to accept the consequences." I absolutely believe that. But since we don't live in a society where the "consequences" are shared equally among both parties, I'm gonna go ahead and stay pro-choice. Men can get as many girls as they want pregnant. They can then stomp their feet, say "it isn't mine" and demand a DNA test, or just disappear. Eventually, yes, if you go after them, they might have to pay child support, emphasis on might. But never in their life will they have to endure morning sickness, carry a child to term, and accept the stigma of everything that (still) comes with that. Then, if they choose to terminate the pregnancy, they're "Baby killers" and the men can suddenly decide that "how dare she, that was my baby too."

Until our society places the consequences of pregnancy on both parties equally (never) I'm gonna go ahead and stay pro-choice. If you don't believe in (at least) male privilege in this world, I challenge you to disprove me up there.

There are some situations in which even some pro-lifers are okay with abortion, because I hear "Rape is a different matter, well if the mom is going to die that's a different matter."  I'm not even going to touch on the assholes who think you should be forced to carry your rapist's child, or the one's who feel your life is worth less than your fetus's. Here's my issue with all of it. Women are more than a vessel for carrying children.

Maybe I should say that again. WOMEN ARE MORE THAN VESSELS FOR CARRYING CHILDREN. We are workers and wives and volunteers and sisters and friends and whatever the fuck we want to be. Some of you are going "well yeah sure, I believe that, absolutely."

No you don't. On the surface you may think you do while you're nodding your head and pretending that you're all about equality. If you did, you would be pro-choice. Sorry, it's really that simple. Because if you believe it's okay to get an abortion after rape, guess what? You're pro-choice, because the pro-life department would tell you that child is a gift and you should carry it to term regardless of how traumatized you are and how much the pregnancy hormones will make that worse. You should just be glowing and happy to have a full womb and STFU about how it got that way.

Let me explain to you how I know this is true. Three days ago was the anniversary of the day someone I considered a friend thought it would be okay to hold me down and force me to have sex with him against my will. A man raped me on September 26th 2009. Exactly a year later, I met my husband. It allowed me to reframe the day, but guess what. My body still grieves the rape on that day regardless of my reframe. The weekend I met my husband I was a crying mess and I couldn't tell you why until I looked at a calendar. I will say the time I met my husband was happy and I wasn't crying at that time. So I was able to color happiness into a disturbing anniversary. But I have not forgotten, and neither has my body. I am still different around this time of year. Off somehow. I need more kindness. It gets better, but it isn't gone.

I didn't get pregnant with my rapist's child. Even though I told him I would not have sex with him without a condom and he forced me to anyway. I was lucky. So lucky. I would never, knowing what I know, ever tell a woman she has to carry a child of rape to term. Knowing how much rape, pregnancy, childbirth and all these things imprint on your psyche, I would never try to add trauma to an already traumatized person.

I would never tell a woman in any circumstance that she has to carry a child to term because it's her body, her life, and it's none of my business. But maybe I'm more pro-choice than you. Maybe because I'm more informed than you.

More on how I know this is true. What do we consider a "life of the mother" circumstance? We've all seen those stories where the mom gets diagnosed with cancer and decides to delay treatment to give birth to her child. I applaud the crap out of those women. They are fucking brave. But in the same way I don't think we should make anyone sign up for war against their will, I would never tell a woman to delay treatment that would save her life because she is pregnant. Again, women are more than vessels for carrying children.

Those of you that read my blog regularly know I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). You also know that I have had struggles with PTSD, depression, suicidality, self harm, eating disorder(s), and anxiety with panic attacks. I am managing all of them still and I'm largely in a good place. But I haven't always been.

When I had an abortion, I was 21. I was in a relationship. I was also on a mood stabilizer, two anti-depressants, and an anti-anxiety medication. I had just been diagnosed with panic disorder and major depression with suicidal ideation (thoughts/actions). Panic attacks tore into my sleep and my days weren't much better. I had completed several passive attempts at suicide and one serious situation in which my mother drove 5 hours (in 4) to come down to be with me when I just wanted to take myself out. I was done. I was tired. I felt like I had lived a lifetime in my 21 years. In my delusional state, I felt like my parents wanted me gone. I thought everyone in my life did. I felt like a burden and an annoyance to everyone.

When I found out I was pregnant, my psychiatrist informed me that he did not feel like I was in a safe place to discontinue my medication (after reading the above, do you?). He informed me that I could not take the medication I was on and carry a child to term. Let me make this clear: HE DID NOT TRY TO SWAY ME IN ONE DIRECTION OR THE OTHER. He simply told me "The medications you are on are not safe for pregnancy. There are no safe alternatives. I don't feel like you are in a safe place to discontinue these medications, but the decision is yours."

I am a woman. I am a woman who has struggled with mental illness. I am a woman who struggles with mental illness and is currently winning that battle. I am more than a vessel for carrying children. I "chose" to live. I chose not to take the chance that I might not, given the risks of discontinuing my medication. My current husband and child are very glad for that fact. So are my friends. So are my parents.

Anyone who thinks otherwise, you're welcome to it. I am who I am regardless of what you think of me. I survived years of pain, the liar that is depression and panic, abuse, substance abuse, bulimia/anorexia, and countless other struggles that many many women face. Because of that, sometimes I have to make decisions in a different way than other people, as do many women who struggle with similar things. You can't fall apart. You make it through, by hook or by crook. And nobody should ever tell you what to do with your body. Not your family, not the government, not a rapist.

If you don't like being compared to a rapist, consider this: If abortion is outlawed, you force millions of women to do something with their body that they may be violently opposed to. Tell me how you are different.

What amuses me is that these "republicans" want less government when it comes to money, but not when it comes to our bodies. Can't have it both ways guys.

I'm not fucking around, y'all. My mom didn't raise a fool, nor did she raise a delicate flower. Have compassion for your sisters, for your fellow humans, and realize if you tell a woman she can't make a choice about her body, you are telling her she is a baby machine, and nothing else.

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