Reprieve

To quote Ani Difranco: "Oh to grow up gagged and blindfolded, a man's world in your little girl's head, the voice of the Great Mother drowned out in the constant honking haunting car crash up ahead.
Oh to grow up hypnotized and try to shake yourself awake, cuz you can sense what has been lost. Cuz you can sense what is at stake."

I was hypnotized. By beauty, by the idea of perfection. I want that make up, that dress, that underwear, that body, that guy, fill the hole, if I have that I'm okay. To grow up in a man's world (high heels were created by a man, so was the bra), and think that being sexy all the time is the ideal.

I saw enough thongs in the belongings of 14 year old girls when I worked with teenagers. My mother came out of my mouth for the first time when I looked at my co-worker and asked what in the world a 14 year old needed a thong for.

Let's leave alone the point that thongs are terrible for your lady parts.

It's not judgement. It's the shaking yourself awake. It's the "oh, they start so young with the hypnosis."

There's that sinister voice. "Little girl, you have to be pretty, thin, funny, but not too funny, smart, but not too smart, don't do anything that would threaten the masculinity that rules this world. You have to be sexy, but don't be a slut, be unreachable, but beautiful, and if you let them touch you, you're dirty."

GOD HOW CONFUSING FOR A LITTLE GIRL. The sweet innocence gets drowned by all these bullshit expectations, and we take it in. We take it in without even realizing.

When I was 17, I was starving myself and buying cute underwear, dying my hair, wearing combat
boots and trying like hell to make myself feel like I was worth anything at all. I had no idea I had been indoctrinated into the cult of constant perfection.

When I got to college I discovered alcohol. I discovered that enough alcohol made me okay with sex that I didn't really want. I discovered that alcohol made me a person who I thought I liked. I thought I was supposed to have a lot of sex. I was a feminist right? Don't put your patriarchal Puritanical sexual restraints on me, I can fuck whomever I want.

Okay, but no...Feminism isn't about sex. It isn't about equality. As Ani says "It's about reprieve." Give. Us. A. Break. Yes, you can have sex with whomever you want. You can also go on a killing spree if you want. Should you? Most likely no.

In my own awakening, I discovered that I fall more into sex-negative feminism. Read the blog in the link. It's a very good explanation, but I'll say this for the eventual tl:dr people: It doesn't mean that you don't like sex, or that you don't ever want to have sex. To quote the blog: "Sex-negativity urges, feminists to reject compulsory sexuality, which has historically translated to forced sexual compliance with men but has recently been extended to non-hetero sex and sexuality as well."

"Compulsory sexuality" is basically the idea that being sexy/sexual at all times is the only healthy way to be. Sex positive feminists often feel like they need to "fix" feminists like me. Or they think I'm judgemental because I think BDSM is harmful and psychologically scarring.

I had a (former) friend tell me I was a "negative, entitled person" because I told her I did not want to go see "50 Shades of Grey" with her. I told her it might be triggering for me. She didn't like the idea that something she liked to do might be upsetting for a friend. And that made me negative in her eyes.

I woke up, guys. I watch friends and loved ones use sex as a weapon, a tool, a manipulation tactic, everything but what it actually is: a possibly life changing act. You can create a child or kill someone with sex. Knowing this, "just sex" or "casual" sex does not exist. It's a lie we tell ourselves and our lovers so that we feel better.

Women everywhere have sex with people they don't like because sex=worth. Sex means we're pretty, desirable, loveable, powerful.

It's all a lie. You are powerful without sex. Your voice is powerful, your presence, your breath. You don't have to be happy and pretend everything is okay all the time. You can get angry, be sad, yell, cry, tell people how you feel and take your power by asserting your God-given talent. It is not between your legs. Its inside you, and you give it away by giving into the belief that you have to be sexy to be worth anything.

If something makes you uncomfortable, say something. Set boundaries. Be you, who you want to be, not who everyone else thinks you should be.

And please don't buy thongs for your 14 year olds. You just might be feeding the lie that continues the cycle of self-doubt that plagues our little girls.